Sometimes the penis really does matter

Did I get your attention? Good. Say the word penis and people pay attention. This is a hot topic, and one with a good bit of disagreement. Perhaps I should steer clear of it - sometimes I don't like getting involved in things with the potential for drama - but today I do want to go there.

I have heard from multiple folks - clients and friends alike - that there is a discourse going on currently around people being transphobic. What I have heard is directed against lesbians, although there may be a similar thread towards gay men (or maybe even straight folks) that I'm just not aware of. The issue seems to be that there are lesbians who do not want to have sex with a trans woman who has not had any sort of gender confirmation surgery, and they are being called transphobic because of it. The idea seems to be that if someone is a woman, and someone else is typically attracted to women, then the someone else should be willing to have sex with the woman. I don't think this is fair.

For some people, genitals are an important part of their sex lives. They may definitely want a penis present, or they may definitely not want a penis present. I know there are lots of folks who don't care so much about genital specifics; these are the folks who identify as bisexual or pansexual. If someone doesn't care about the genitals, then pre-op or post-op may not matter. But for those who are not attracted to some genital configurations, it does matter, but it doesn't make them phobic.

We aren't typically in control of what turns us on. If someone is not turned on by a penis, that isn't a decision they are making, it's just how they are wired. They may be completely accepting of transfolks of all persuasions, but that doesn't mean they want to have sex with them all. Gender isn't the only thing that figures into sexual attraction - genitals are a part of it. A pre-op trans woman is completely a woman - being a woman doesn't depend on what is (or isn't) between someone's legs.

If we think about it, sexual attraction depends on all sorts of things. I'll use myself as an example. Straight guys typically aren't going to want to have sex with me because part of their sexual attraction is towards some level of femininity, and I don't have that. Gay men typically aren't going to want to have sex with me because, while I have the masculinity thing going on, I don't have the genitals they want. Same thing with straight women - masculine, check; penis, nope. There are actually quite a few lesbians who aren't sexually attracted to me, for exactly that reason. Their sexual attraction includes more femininity than I offer. Fortunately for me, there are women who are attracted to female genitals on a masculine body. Most of the people on the planet wouldn't be sexually attracted to me. I'm good with that.

Being bi-sexual or pansexual isn't being more open-minded than lesbians, gay men, and straight folks. They're just being wired in a different way such that genitals aren't a factor in sexual attraction. A lesbian who in every other way affirms a trans woman being a woman, but doesn't want to have sex with her if her genitals haven't been altered, is not being transphobic. Just because she is a lesbian doesn't mean she is automatically going to be sexually attracted to every woman on the planet, and to accuse her of being transphobic is simply not validating her sexual attraction. Transwomen are women, but it's okay for a lesbian to not want a penis involved when it comes to sex.