What is family?

Merriam-Webster defines "family" as:

1a: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family

 

b : spouse and children

 

2 : a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

 

These aren't actually bad definitions. People often think of family as being limited to parents and their children, and maybe their extended family, but the definition points out that family can be any of the various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family. But what are these various social units?

 

 

First off, children are not a requirement for a family to exist. Many adults have a partner or partners but no children - still a family. Maybe they intend to have children at some point, maybe not. Adults can make up a family.

 

Historically in this country it was assumed that in a family there would be only two adults (discounting extended family of course) and that those two adults would be one man and one woman. Fortunately most people now accept that two women or two men (or two folks however they define their gender) can make a family. LGB individuals now are perceived, most of the time anyway, as being able to create and live as a family - again, with or without children.

 

Recently I have been contacted by a number of individuals wanting counseling who are involved in polyamorous relationships. This means that there are more than two adults in the relationship. There are all sorts of possible configurations here. Maybe it is three adults (or more) who are all romantically involved with each other. Maybe not everyone is romantically involved with everyone else (for instance, a couple who each have other romantic partners but those partners are not involved with each other). I know this sounds complicated, but a family unit does not require everyone to be romantically or sexually involved with everyone else. Romance and sex are certainly very common components of a family, but they aren't required.

 

Pets can be part of a family. So many of the folks I work with, and myself of course, consider their pets to be active members of their family. And you all know I love talking about pets - my family includes a dog and four cats - equal in my mind to children (but so much less expensive!!!!!).

 

Sometimes family may be chosen people who aren't romantically or sexually involved but provide unconditional love and emotional support. Think about the various communities people are involved in. Sometimes those communities become comparable to family units, providing many of the same benefits as the "traditional family."

 

Family is not a legal designation. Certainly there are often legal relationships in a family, but again, that isn't required. Some folks choose to not get married for personal reasons. Sometimes folks in a family can get married (such as folks in polyamorous relationships). Legality does not make a family.

 

I encourage everyone to think outside the traditional two heterosexual - 1 man, 1 woman - and their children concept of family. However, you define your own family, know that it should be validated and recognized as a legitimate family unit. Realize that families may have super diverse configurations, but that doesn't negate them being a family. Love your family, and allow everyone else to do likewise. Create the family that you want, and support everyone else's right to do so. It just makes good sense.