Why I expect to be called Dr.

Recently I posted on Facebook after a client called me "dear." This was the post:

"When talking to your psychologist, do not call them "dear". We have a doctorate degree. Unless they tell you otherwise, it's Dr."

This certainly wasn't the first time a client has called me something that felt disrespectful. The fact that I immediately responded by posted on FaceBook is primarily because of my immediate reaction in the moment, not specifically about this client. Since then I have thought a great deal about why I responded so quickly, and there are some significant reasons why I did. However, the post got a lot of comments, so I thought it makes sense to address it again here, where I can address it more generally and not be focused on the one interaction.

I have a doctorate degree, a Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology. After my four years of undergraduate school (in which I earned a bachelor's of science in biology) I was in graduate school for a full 11 years, first earning my master's in general psychology and my Ph.D. in counseling psychology. During those years I sat in classes countless hours, published five articles in peer-reviewed journals, wrote many papers, did hours and hours and hours of research, presented at many professional conventions, took many exams hours, completed hundreds of hours of clinical experiences, wrote a dissertation, passed comprehensive exams in the program and two licensure exams, and amassed a significant amount of student debt. I earned the title of Dr. If I am interacting with someone in a professional capacity, the only thing it is appropriate to call me is Dr.

Most often people call me by my first name, and less often they use terms of endearment like "dear." The fact that I am female probably explains some of this - in our country women are frequently referred to by familiar terms such as "honey", "dear", "sweetie", even "darling". When people use these terms, they will say that they use them out of love, showing Southern hospitality, making a connection with the individual. What they are really doing is erasing the time, effort, and money many of us spend in education and training to be able to help people in various capacities.

If I am working with you as a psychologist, then I am not your honey, dear, sweetie, or darling. Heck, unless I'm your kid or your spouse I'm really not those things to you either. I always introduce myself as Dr. Hiestand, and in doing so I am letting you know how I expect to be referred to. Therapy is an interesting relationship, because while I may end up knowing a great deal about you personally, you aren't going to know much about me in that way. Expecting to be referred to as Dr. is not an attempt to put myself above you, but the reality is that I have knowledge and skills that allow me to help people in a therapeutic setting. Knowledge and skills that I spent years and thousands of dollars acquiring. Calling me doctor acknowledges that I have earned a level of professional proficiency that few people do.

If you have not been told otherwise, always call your doctors by the appropriate titles. Some individuals prefer not to be referred to that way, but they will let you know. When someone introduces themselves as Dr. ---, that is their way of letting you know how they expect to be referred to. Doctors are no better than anyone else, but we've worked hard to earn the right to be called Dr. Doing otherwise is not loving, is not showing Southern hospitality; it's just disrespectful.

 not call them "dear".
 We have a doctorate degree. Unless they tell you otherwise, it's Dr.

Why can't boys wear dresses?????

I haven't posted in a while. I suppose my excuse is I have been really busy, and that is true. For a while I also struggled with coming up with something to write about that people might actually be interested in. If there is anything you are interested in that you would like me to address, please let me know. I'm happy to answer questions or write about subjects folks want to know more about, so just let me know.

Recently I read a couple articles about boys (children or adolescents) who wear dresses. The articles didn't identify the kids as necessarily transgender; they seemed to just be boys who like to wear dresses sometimes, and had parents who would let them do that. I imagine some of the kids may be transgender, but not all of them. Boys (or men) who want to wear dresses (or make-up, or skirts, or blouses, or panties) may not feel like or identify as women. Plenty of women wear pants (or ties, or loafers, or no make-up) but don't feel like men. It is now basically accepted for women to wear "men's" clothing; why is it still such a big deal if a boy or man wants to wear "women's" clothing?

I think one of the big issues is that it is seen as stepping up for a woman to present as more male, while it is seen as a step down for a man to present in a way expected only for women. To my mind there is absolutely no difference between me wearing the clothes I do (men's) and cisgender men wearing dresses. Absolutely - No - Difference. Why do people get so angry about it when parents let their kids dress the way they want? Boys used to wear dresses as an accepted part of culture. Blue used to be the "girl" color and pink was the "boy" color. These have changed, but why the rigid rules around color and clothes?

I find myself really losing patience with the anger that often is expressed if a parent allows their son to wear a dress because the kid wants to. Are we seriously so uptight about our boys not being the epitome of masculinity that is typically forced on anyone born with a penis? Seriously? If a boy wants to wear a dress, let him wear a dress. Maybe he is transgender and this is the first step she is taking towards being herself. Maybe he is just a boy who wants to wear a dress.