It's been a while since I've posted. Short answer, I'm busy. We just passed National Coming Out Day again, so I wanted to touch base about that. I've been out for about 25 years. I also "look" suitably gay, so I never really come out anymore. While it has gotten easier to come out since I first took the plunge, there are still folks who, for various reasons, continue to hide their sexuality or gender identity. This is perfectly understandable. It is still scary. There is still hatred. People still get fired, kicked out of housing, or disowned by their families. But please also know that there is also a great deal of support out there. If you are struggling with sexuality or gender identity, therapy can be really helpful to work towards coming out. Being authentic to yourself is a beautiful thing. If you need some therapeutic support around coming out, or any other issues around gender or sexuality (or most anything really) please feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.
901-486-5745
kthiestand@yahoo.com
Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Why losing my job was, ultimately, totally awesome
I graduated with my Ph.D. in psychology in 2010. When people would ask what I wanted to do, I had always said I wanted to work with LGBT folks. However, I was able to get a job with an agency working with adults with intellectual/developmental disabilities, so of course I took the job. I needed a year of supervision and a paycheck and the job provided both, so I went with it.
I stayed at that agency for about a year and a half, then went to a different, but similar, agency when I was opposed to some things I was expected to do (share session notes, when by my ethical mandate they must be confidential). So I started at the second agency in March 2011, and thought everything was good. I liked the clients, and my supervisor was awesome (a psychologist who had become my mentor) so that's what I did. I didn't love the job, but I didn't hate it, and it did meet my/our basic needs, so all was good, right?
In 2015 I had a conversation with folks at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (now OutMemphis) and learned that they got calls on a daily basis from LGBT folks struggling to find a therapist. It was at that point that Hiestand Psychological Services was born, and I started seeing clients there on Sundays. I was now working six full days a week, but my work there was so fulfilling that I was good with it.
If I had been honest with myself at that time, I would have recognized that I was not being fulfilled by my regular job. While I did like my clients, many didn't really want to be in therapy so most sessions were a struggle just to get the client involved. There weren't any huge ethical issues like I had faced at the previous agency, but I was aware of some things that I wasn't terribly happy with. Still, it was a paycheck, and I needed a paycheck, so I just ignored the bigger picture.
Towards the end of 2015 my supervisor/mentor left the agency (and the state). At that time things started to unravel. At first I still tried to ignore it, because I needed that paycheck (right?!) and didn't think my private practice would support my family. It was immensely more fulfilling, and certainly supported me emotionally in a way that my regular job didn't, but dang it I needed that paycheck. However, in late August 2016 I lost that job and suddenly had to find another paycheck.
At first I assumed that I needed another job to be financially stable. I started sending in applications to any job openings I could find for psychologists in the area, but I also started growing my private practice to bring in some money while I found another job. I won't go into that whole experience; suffice it to say I didn't find another job. What I did find was that my private practice could support my family, and it was infinitely more satisfying than any of my previous "real jobs."
Fast forward to today. As my wife says, I have a thriving practice. I currently work six and a half days a week, harder than I've ever worked in a job before, but I love it. I do need to carve out a little less time working, but what I do is so fulfilling (most of it anyway, dealing with insurance is still a headache). I'm now doing what I always wanted to do , and more. Many of my clients full under the LGBT rainbow. I work with individuals, couples, and families who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, gender non-conforming (non-binary, agender, bigender). I work with people who are confident in their identities, and I work with folks who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. I work with monogamous folks and polyamorous folks. I work with asexuals, folks in the kink community (BDSM, Furries, Bronies). I work with cross-dressers. I work with all of the people who have struggled to find an open-minded therapist. I still address all of the typical mental health diagnoses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia). I work in my home with therapy animals. While I am often tired in the evenings when I finally decide I've worked enough for the day, I go to bed every night satisfied with the work I do.
Losing my job was a really stressful thing for me. However, I never would have gone out on my own, so it pushed me to do just that. So many of the folks I work with aren't happy in their work life (and we definitely address this) but I am so thankful that I am doing what I always wanted to do. My wife is so supportive of me and my work. My parents have supported me (even when I wasn't confident that I could do this). My in-laws have been behind me, and friends and colleagues have always been willing to give advice and told me "you got this." And you know what, I do got this. Hiestand Psychological Services has gone from a dream to a reality, and I could not be happier with how it transformed to be not only my paycheck, but my career. I know over time it will evolve (eventually I want to have a few more therapists, as well as folks who offer other services). Today it is exactly what I need it to be, and I'm pretty my clients would agree.
I stayed at that agency for about a year and a half, then went to a different, but similar, agency when I was opposed to some things I was expected to do (share session notes, when by my ethical mandate they must be confidential). So I started at the second agency in March 2011, and thought everything was good. I liked the clients, and my supervisor was awesome (a psychologist who had become my mentor) so that's what I did. I didn't love the job, but I didn't hate it, and it did meet my/our basic needs, so all was good, right?
In 2015 I had a conversation with folks at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (now OutMemphis) and learned that they got calls on a daily basis from LGBT folks struggling to find a therapist. It was at that point that Hiestand Psychological Services was born, and I started seeing clients there on Sundays. I was now working six full days a week, but my work there was so fulfilling that I was good with it.
If I had been honest with myself at that time, I would have recognized that I was not being fulfilled by my regular job. While I did like my clients, many didn't really want to be in therapy so most sessions were a struggle just to get the client involved. There weren't any huge ethical issues like I had faced at the previous agency, but I was aware of some things that I wasn't terribly happy with. Still, it was a paycheck, and I needed a paycheck, so I just ignored the bigger picture.
Towards the end of 2015 my supervisor/mentor left the agency (and the state). At that time things started to unravel. At first I still tried to ignore it, because I needed that paycheck (right?!) and didn't think my private practice would support my family. It was immensely more fulfilling, and certainly supported me emotionally in a way that my regular job didn't, but dang it I needed that paycheck. However, in late August 2016 I lost that job and suddenly had to find another paycheck.
At first I assumed that I needed another job to be financially stable. I started sending in applications to any job openings I could find for psychologists in the area, but I also started growing my private practice to bring in some money while I found another job. I won't go into that whole experience; suffice it to say I didn't find another job. What I did find was that my private practice could support my family, and it was infinitely more satisfying than any of my previous "real jobs."
Fast forward to today. As my wife says, I have a thriving practice. I currently work six and a half days a week, harder than I've ever worked in a job before, but I love it. I do need to carve out a little less time working, but what I do is so fulfilling (most of it anyway, dealing with insurance is still a headache). I'm now doing what I always wanted to do , and more. Many of my clients full under the LGBT rainbow. I work with individuals, couples, and families who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, gender non-conforming (non-binary, agender, bigender). I work with people who are confident in their identities, and I work with folks who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. I work with monogamous folks and polyamorous folks. I work with asexuals, folks in the kink community (BDSM, Furries, Bronies). I work with cross-dressers. I work with all of the people who have struggled to find an open-minded therapist. I still address all of the typical mental health diagnoses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia). I work in my home with therapy animals. While I am often tired in the evenings when I finally decide I've worked enough for the day, I go to bed every night satisfied with the work I do.
Losing my job was a really stressful thing for me. However, I never would have gone out on my own, so it pushed me to do just that. So many of the folks I work with aren't happy in their work life (and we definitely address this) but I am so thankful that I am doing what I always wanted to do. My wife is so supportive of me and my work. My parents have supported me (even when I wasn't confident that I could do this). My in-laws have been behind me, and friends and colleagues have always been willing to give advice and told me "you got this." And you know what, I do got this. Hiestand Psychological Services has gone from a dream to a reality, and I could not be happier with how it transformed to be not only my paycheck, but my career. I know over time it will evolve (eventually I want to have a few more therapists, as well as folks who offer other services). Today it is exactly what I need it to be, and I'm pretty my clients would agree.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Happy Coming Out Day! Or is it?
Recently we had National Coming Out Day, which is held annually on October 11. For folks just coming out it can serve as momentum for doing perhaps the most exciting (and scary) thing in their life. For those of us who have been out for a while, it's a day when we can reaffirm our sexuality and maybe joke about how, dang it, I don't get to come out anymore because everyone already knows.
However, for those who aren't out for fear of losing their family, friends, jobs, housing, children, lives, it can be a day that serves as a reminder that they have to continue to live a lie, one which ultimately is deleterious to their health.
If you are an LGBTQA (sexual/gender minority) child or adolescent who is stuck in the closet, please know that it will get better. There will come a time when you will be in a position to come out, even if your family will not support it. If you are an adult who feels stuck, please find ways to come out, even if it isn't in every aspect of your life. Sometimes we have to choose our families when our family of origin doesn't support us. While this is horribly unfortunate, if your family doesn't value you for who you are, please know that there are many folks who will be happy to be your chosen family, and give you the support you need to be your true self. Please don't hide your true colors, we need you in this crazy, sometimes confusing and scary, but ultimately fulfilling world of sexual and gender minorities. Please reach out to me if you want some therapeutic support in being your authentic self.
However, for those who aren't out for fear of losing their family, friends, jobs, housing, children, lives, it can be a day that serves as a reminder that they have to continue to live a lie, one which ultimately is deleterious to their health.
If you are an LGBTQA (sexual/gender minority) child or adolescent who is stuck in the closet, please know that it will get better. There will come a time when you will be in a position to come out, even if your family will not support it. If you are an adult who feels stuck, please find ways to come out, even if it isn't in every aspect of your life. Sometimes we have to choose our families when our family of origin doesn't support us. While this is horribly unfortunate, if your family doesn't value you for who you are, please know that there are many folks who will be happy to be your chosen family, and give you the support you need to be your true self. Please don't hide your true colors, we need you in this crazy, sometimes confusing and scary, but ultimately fulfilling world of sexual and gender minorities. Please reach out to me if you want some therapeutic support in being your authentic self.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Why can't boys wear dresses?????
I haven't posted in a while. I suppose my excuse is I have been really busy, and that is true. For a while I also struggled with coming up with something to write about that people might actually be interested in. If there is anything you are interested in that you would like me to address, please let me know. I'm happy to answer questions or write about subjects folks want to know more about, so just let me know.
Recently I read a couple articles about boys (children or adolescents) who wear dresses. The articles didn't identify the kids as necessarily transgender; they seemed to just be boys who like to wear dresses sometimes, and had parents who would let them do that. I imagine some of the kids may be transgender, but not all of them. Boys (or men) who want to wear dresses (or make-up, or skirts, or blouses, or panties) may not feel like or identify as women. Plenty of women wear pants (or ties, or loafers, or no make-up) but don't feel like men. It is now basically accepted for women to wear "men's" clothing; why is it still such a big deal if a boy or man wants to wear "women's" clothing?
I think one of the big issues is that it is seen as stepping up for a woman to present as more male, while it is seen as a step down for a man to present in a way expected only for women. To my mind there is absolutely no difference between me wearing the clothes I do (men's) and cisgender men wearing dresses. Absolutely - No - Difference. Why do people get so angry about it when parents let their kids dress the way they want? Boys used to wear dresses as an accepted part of culture. Blue used to be the "girl" color and pink was the "boy" color. These have changed, but why the rigid rules around color and clothes?
I find myself really losing patience with the anger that often is expressed if a parent allows their son to wear a dress because the kid wants to. Are we seriously so uptight about our boys not being the epitome of masculinity that is typically forced on anyone born with a penis? Seriously? If a boy wants to wear a dress, let him wear a dress. Maybe he is transgender and this is the first step she is taking towards being herself. Maybe he is just a boy who wants to wear a dress.
Recently I read a couple articles about boys (children or adolescents) who wear dresses. The articles didn't identify the kids as necessarily transgender; they seemed to just be boys who like to wear dresses sometimes, and had parents who would let them do that. I imagine some of the kids may be transgender, but not all of them. Boys (or men) who want to wear dresses (or make-up, or skirts, or blouses, or panties) may not feel like or identify as women. Plenty of women wear pants (or ties, or loafers, or no make-up) but don't feel like men. It is now basically accepted for women to wear "men's" clothing; why is it still such a big deal if a boy or man wants to wear "women's" clothing?
I think one of the big issues is that it is seen as stepping up for a woman to present as more male, while it is seen as a step down for a man to present in a way expected only for women. To my mind there is absolutely no difference between me wearing the clothes I do (men's) and cisgender men wearing dresses. Absolutely - No - Difference. Why do people get so angry about it when parents let their kids dress the way they want? Boys used to wear dresses as an accepted part of culture. Blue used to be the "girl" color and pink was the "boy" color. These have changed, but why the rigid rules around color and clothes?
I find myself really losing patience with the anger that often is expressed if a parent allows their son to wear a dress because the kid wants to. Are we seriously so uptight about our boys not being the epitome of masculinity that is typically forced on anyone born with a penis? Seriously? If a boy wants to wear a dress, let him wear a dress. Maybe he is transgender and this is the first step she is taking towards being herself. Maybe he is just a boy who wants to wear a dress.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
Suicide is not painless
Far too many of our LGBT brothers and sisters contemplate, attempt, and complete suicide.
Here are some statistics, according to the Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/facts-about-suicide):
• The rate of suicide attempts is 4 times greater for LGB youth and 2 times greater for questioning youth than that of straight youth.
• Suicide attempts by LGB youth and questioning youth are 4 to 6 times more likely to result in injury, poisoning, or overdose that requires treatment from a doctor or nurse, compared to their straight peers
• In a national study, 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt. 92% of these individuals reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25.
• LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection
• Each episode of LGBT victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, increases the likelihood of self-harming behavior by 2.5 times on average.
We have made so much progress in recent years towards greater equality and acceptance, that I hope we will start to see these numbers go down. However, at the moment it continues to be a significant mental health concern. You can't read news or look at Facebook without seeing stories dripping with hate towards LGBT folks. This hate is what pushes individuals to consider suicide, when they question their own self-worth because of some vitriol someone is spouting off.
Those of us who are fortunate enough to be resilient against the onslaught of hate must be clear that life can indeed get better. We know that acceptance for LGBT individuals, couples, and issues has swelled over recent years, and this will definitely help. However, we must continue to fight against those who continue to try to push us down, to call out the hatred for exactly what it is. Our voices of love and support must drown out the screeches of hate.
In 2013, Amy Bleuel established Project Semicolon 10 years after the death of her father by suicide. The idea is both simple and elegant. Writers use a semicolon when they could end a sentence but choose not to. The main thrust of the project is suicide prevention by folks getting a tattoo of a semicolon. The idea is that we could choose to end our life, but we make the choice to keep going. Here is the semicolon tattoo I recently got:
Sadly, Amy Bleuel took her own life recently. That was part of what prompted me to go ahead and get the tattoo. She worked hard for many years to help people stay alive, and ultimately she succumbed to her demons. I don't know the details, but I do know that we must continue to fight, continue to counter hate with love, continue to survive.
If you know, or even suspect, that someone is struggling with suicide, urge them to get help. There are many counselors out there who can help. There are many suicide hotlines folks can use to reach out and find someone to listen. People kill themselves when they believe that they have no other option to overcome the pain they are experiencing. We must exemplify hope as we fight, and love, and survive.
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Here are some statistics, according to the Trevor Project (www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/facts-about-suicide):
• The rate of suicide attempts is 4 times greater for LGB youth and 2 times greater for questioning youth than that of straight youth.
• Suicide attempts by LGB youth and questioning youth are 4 to 6 times more likely to result in injury, poisoning, or overdose that requires treatment from a doctor or nurse, compared to their straight peers
• In a national study, 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt. 92% of these individuals reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25.
• LGB youth who come from highly rejecting families are 8.4 times as likely to have attempted suicide as LGB peers who reported no or low levels of family rejection
• Each episode of LGBT victimization, such as physical or verbal harassment or abuse, increases the likelihood of self-harming behavior by 2.5 times on average.
We have made so much progress in recent years towards greater equality and acceptance, that I hope we will start to see these numbers go down. However, at the moment it continues to be a significant mental health concern. You can't read news or look at Facebook without seeing stories dripping with hate towards LGBT folks. This hate is what pushes individuals to consider suicide, when they question their own self-worth because of some vitriol someone is spouting off.
Those of us who are fortunate enough to be resilient against the onslaught of hate must be clear that life can indeed get better. We know that acceptance for LGBT individuals, couples, and issues has swelled over recent years, and this will definitely help. However, we must continue to fight against those who continue to try to push us down, to call out the hatred for exactly what it is. Our voices of love and support must drown out the screeches of hate.
In 2013, Amy Bleuel established Project Semicolon 10 years after the death of her father by suicide. The idea is both simple and elegant. Writers use a semicolon when they could end a sentence but choose not to. The main thrust of the project is suicide prevention by folks getting a tattoo of a semicolon. The idea is that we could choose to end our life, but we make the choice to keep going. Here is the semicolon tattoo I recently got:
If you know, or even suspect, that someone is struggling with suicide, urge them to get help. There are many counselors out there who can help. There are many suicide hotlines folks can use to reach out and find someone to listen. People kill themselves when they believe that they have no other option to overcome the pain they are experiencing. We must exemplify hope as we fight, and love, and survive.
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Monday, February 20, 2017
Can Politics and Hope coexist for LGBT Americans?
Politics. I tend to not discuss politics too much. Well, that used to
be the case, but recently politics have become much more important and
personal to many of us. I know that many of us are really struggling
with things that have been done (immigration, healthcare) and things
that we are afraid might be done. I'm with many of you in worrying about
what steps might be taken that will prove harmful to us as LGBT folks. I
want to be comforted knowing that the executive order preventing
discrimination in government is going to be left in place. However, I
am very aware that so many other things could - and very well will -
happen.
I wish I could
tell you that things are going to be okay. I do believe that our lives
are going to be made more difficult, both by the federal government and
by the Tennessee legislature. Even so, I know that our community is far
more organized than we have ever been before. I know that we have more
allies than we have ever had before. I know that the majority of the
general population approves of gay marriage. I believe that they can
make our lives harder for a while, but I don't believe they take back
the progress we have made, not permanently anyway. In the past I haven't
been especially politically active, but I am planning to go to
Nashville to speak out as a psychologist against any bills they try to
pass against us. I'm not the only person who is now far more politically
aware and active than I used to be. Together we will fight back against
whatever they try to put in place, and even if it takes a little time, I
truly believe that we will prevail.
Like many of us sometimes I feel very afraid, very uncertain about our futures as LGBT Americans. There are days it is harder for me to hold onto this hope, but I have seen what we have accomplished so far so I know we will continue to overcome. I'm not telling you not to worry. I am telling you to be ready to stand up and fight, and if we do this, we will reclaim any progress lost and continue to march ahead. That is what we will do as LGBT Americans.
Like many of us sometimes I feel very afraid, very uncertain about our futures as LGBT Americans. There are days it is harder for me to hold onto this hope, but I have seen what we have accomplished so far so I know we will continue to overcome. I'm not telling you not to worry. I am telling you to be ready to stand up and fight, and if we do this, we will reclaim any progress lost and continue to march ahead. That is what we will do as LGBT Americans.
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