Surviving the viral invasion, or why my cats suddenly hate me

Every morning when I wake up, I make a plan of action for the day. Until recently that plan might include the errands I need to run, where I want to eat dinner, are there any good movies out I want to see. These days, except for the rare essential exception, my plan includes chores I need to do around the house, what we might prepare for dinner, and is there anything interesting on Netflix. This change in planning happened quite suddenly a couple weeks ago, when I accepted, begrudgingly, that a little one-celled organism that doesn't even have a brain now dictates, to a very large degree, where I go if it's off my property. The introvert in me doesn't so much mind staying home. The human in me is pissed that I'm now answering to a virus named after a crown or a beer, depending on your perspective.

Like so many others, this sense of loss of control is both infuriating and frightening. This is a scenario that never goes well for humans in the movies, and for which we're not getting a great deal of solid guidance. The powers that be can't seem to agree on exactly how to approach this. The scientific community is working tirelessly to gain an understanding of the specific characteristics of this entity. The entity itself is mindlessly trying to find hosts, in this case humans, so it can replicate its DNA or RNA and thus stick around. After all, a virus is nothing more than a bit of genetic material (DNA or RNA) enclosed in a protein shell called the capsid. Some viruses also have an outer membrane called the envelope. Our little COVID-19 happens to contain RNA, and it does have an envelope with lots of teeny tiny spikes that resemble a crown, hence the name corona (Latin).

Regardless of your understanding of it, we are all pretty much at the mercy of this little replicating machine, and it has turned the world as we know it upside down. How do we cope with all of the recent changes, including the very real fear of death that it brings. I've got a few thoughts that I'd like to share with you to help bring a little hope back into the picture.

For now get your information from knowledgeable scientific sources. There is so much misinformation swirling around that's it's easy to get confused. The CDC is a good source, as well as other scientific organizations that specialize in critters of this nature. For now the government isn't a good source of information so much. The government is mostly politicians, and thus far we haven't gotten much good information from them. This isn't exactly a criticism, after all they're politicians and not biologists.

For now stay home except for absolutely essential trips. This is where the loss of control feels really bad. We don't yet know how long this will last. One thing we do know is if everyone actually does this, it won't last as long as if we don't. The virus wants us (as much as a virus can actually want) to be around each other so it can be passed among all of us and make tons of copies of its little RNA sequence. If we isolate, we deny it the one thing it needs to survive. I don't care to let the virus use my cells to reproduce, and in that way I am taking back some control over my own cells. Staying home stretched out on the couch watching Netflix will literally save lives. Just do it please.

Reach out to family, friends, loved ones frequently and safely. We may not be able to reach out and touch one another (bonus points if you can name the reference) but we can still check in with each other. Use a video service so your friends can see how long your hair (and roots) are getting. Laugh about it, it's happening to all of us. Our hairdressers tell us not to cut our bangs!!!. I say cut your bangs, shave it all off, do whatever you want because you can! Take control over the hairs on your head!!! Our hairdressers can fix it later.

Find things to keep yourself occupied. You do want to do everything you can to avoid boredom, which is more than happy to escort in depression. Typically we encourage folks to not be online all the time, but at the moment you have much more permission to do it for connection and entertainment. Do puzzles. Finish all the home projects you started over the last years but never finished. Start projects with the intention of actually finishing them (even if you don't!). Read. Learn to crochet, then make little cardigans for all of your cats. They will love them, I promise you!!!

Don't spend too much time looking at the news. The news these days is pretty bleak, but it isn't changing multiple times throughout the day. Intentionally get news updates a couple times a day, but other than that, focus on your projects, or what's for dinner, or braiding your armpit hair. And don't forget the kitty cardigans! But seriously, limit news consumption. A lot.

Realize that right now anxiety is a really super normal reaction to what it going. Realize also that anxiety doesn't have to be the focus of your day. Identify, as much as you can, specifically what you are anxious about. Determine whether or not it is something that you have any control over at the moment. If it is, address it. If it isn't, tell your brain over and over that right now that's not a thing that you can address and that your focus needs to be on what you can. If you have pets, spend time with them (that reduces anxiety). Meditate. Do yoga. Watch Yoda. Do what you need to do to distract yourself.

Currently therapists are generally still working as we have the option to do it safely online. If you feel as though you are really struggling and stuff is getting out of hand, reach out to start some therapy. Depression and anxiety are going to pop up; if it seems as though they are in control, talk to us. It's what we're trained to help with.

We're all in this together, even though we're going through it in isolation. It's unclear now when we will be able to stop quarantines, but we will. Find hope in the fact that COVID-19 is not the first virus on the planet, and we will gain back control as we learn more and as we deny it the chance to spread. Lean on each other. Make sure the people in your little corner of the world are doing okay. If everyone did this then we would all still be connected, even if only virtually. Finally, tell yourself every day that we will all once again get a good haircut. Until then, cut your bangs or shave your head. And don't forget the feline cardigans - your cats are depending on you!!!!!

Hope is the Cure

Fear keeps us stuck in situations in which we are unhappy; fear that things can even change, or fear of what that change might look like. Perhaps we are struggling with depression or anxiety, and we don't believe that things can get better. Maybe we are unhappy in our relationship, but we don't address it for fear of what may happen. Many people feel stuck in jobs in which they are unhappy, but fear of loss of income prevents us from looking for a better way. Many of the people I work with struggle with gender identity issues but are, understandably, fearful of what making changes will bring.

In all of these situations, we lack the hope that things can get better. Change is hard. We are afraid of what that change will look like. What if things do change but nothing gets better? We may not be aware of it, but fear clouds hope for so many people. Let me give an example from my own life in which fear kept me stuck without hope that things can get better.

Before I was doing my private practice full time I had a job, but was very unhappy. I was working for an agency as a psychologist, but my work wasn't fulfilling and there were a number of issues that I felt powerless to change. I knew that I wanted to have a private practice, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I had significant financial responsibilities, and didn't think I had the financial resources to consider making changes. I had bills to pay, and making sure I was able to do that kept me stuck in unhappiness.

Then I unexpectedly lost my job. I immediately started looking for another job, because I thought that was my only good option. I was fearful of financial consequences and didn't have the hope that I could make private practice work. I did start building my private practice (at the time it was already established but was very small) in order to have some income, but my focus was on finding another job based on my belief that was the only way I would have financial security.

I never did find another job in the way I thought I needed. During the time I was looking, my private practice was building, and shockingly I was able to pay all of my bills. Yes, my finances were very tight, but everything got paid.

There wasn't a single moment when I realized that private practice was all I needed. No ah-ha moment, no instant where suddenly I knew it would work. However, over time my fear of financial insecurity was replaced by the hope that I could really do this. I was working from home so that I wouldn't have all of the financial obligations associated with maintaining an office elsewhere. Even when I started to realize that the private practice was really working, I still thought working from home was a temporary thing until I could afford a "real" office. It's now a year and a half later, and I'm still working from my home office. I am as financially secure as I was when I was working for someone else. I'm also amazingly more happy than I was when I had a boss and a paycheck every two weeks.

I didn't have the confidence that I could do it on my own. This fear of failure kept me stuck. In my case it wasn't by choice that I depended on my private practice, it was by necessity when I suddenly found myself without a "real" job. I can now say that losing my job was the best thing that could have happened. I wouldn't have attempted to go out on my own - fear made me believe I couldn't do it. But somewhere in there hope took root and Hiestand Psychological Services is all I need. Having a home office is fairly unusual, but I realized it really works. So many of my clients comment that they love the home setting an opposed to a commercial office. And having my pets around also significantly adds to the work I do in ways I couldn't have even imagined.

What are you afraid of? Where in your life is hope clouded by fear? Know that change can happen, even if we aren't sure what that change will look like. I wouldn't have a job if people or situations couldn't change. When we find that hope, even if it is just a spark, we can go on to make significant changes in our lives for the better. Fear is a disease; hope is its only cure.

Hope destroyed the Death Star

At the end of Rogue One, Princess Leia Organa is handed a data disk and asked what it is. She utters one word: hope. This leads directly into Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Later in that movie she implores Old Ben Kenobi to help them by pleading that he is their only hope. Clearly hope is an important concept in Star Wars (I can, and in fact plan to, document the use of hope throughout the saga). What is it about hope that nine plus movies can be made based on it?

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness – Desmond Tutu. When working with clients, I believe the most important thing I do is help them embrace hope. When someone starts therapy, it is with the hope that things can change. When someone commits suicide, it is almost always because they have lost all hope. We all have challenges to overcome, and as long as we have the hope that we can overcome them, we can move forward creating the change that we want and need.

Folks come to me to address all sorts of issues. Many come with the hope that they can live their lives authentically in terms of gender or sexuality. Others hope to conquer depression or anxiety. Some struggle with addiction and hope to overcome it. Still others hope to make improvements in their relationships. Hope to move through trauma or abuse form their pasts brings others in. The one thing they all have in common is hope for change.

When things are hard, find hope that they can change. They don’t always change in the ways we want them to, but change will happen. We may have to address additional obstacles to embrace that change, but hope lets lends us the strength we need to keep fighting. Even a glimmer of hope is enough to put us on the path to healing; find hope and you will see the light despite all of the darkness. Then you too will blow up the Death Stars in your own life.

Never give up on someone with a mental illness...

Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When "i" is replaced by "we", illness becomes wellness.
-Shannon L. Alder

Can Politics and Hope coexist for LGBT Americans?

Politics. I tend to not discuss politics too much. Well, that used to be the case, but recently politics have become much more important and personal to many of us. I know that many of us are really struggling with things that have been done (immigration, healthcare) and things that we are afraid might be done. I'm with many of you in worrying about what steps might be taken that will prove harmful to us as LGBT folks. I want to be comforted knowing that the executive order preventing discrimination in government is going to be left in place. However, I am very aware that so many other things could - and very well will - happen.

I wish I could tell you that things are going to be okay. I do believe that our lives are going to be made more difficult, both by the federal government and by the Tennessee legislature. Even so, I know that our community is far more organized than we have ever been before. I know that we have more allies than we have ever had before. I know that the majority of the general population approves of gay marriage. I believe that they can make our lives harder for a while, but I don't believe they take back the progress we have made, not permanently anyway. In the past I haven't been especially politically active, but I am planning to go to Nashville to speak out as a psychologist against any bills they try to pass against us. I'm not the only person who is now far more politically aware and active than I used to be. Together we will fight back against whatever they try to put in place, and even if it takes a little time, I truly believe that we will prevail.
Like many of us sometimes I feel very afraid, very uncertain about our futures as LGBT Americans. There are days it is harder for me to hold onto this hope, but I have seen what we have accomplished so far so I know we will continue to overcome. I'm not telling you not to worry. I am telling you to be ready to stand up and fight, and if we do this, we will reclaim any progress lost and continue to march ahead. That is what we will do as LGBT Americans.