It's been a while since I've posted. Short answer, I'm busy. We just passed National Coming Out Day again, so I wanted to touch base about that. I've been out for about 25 years. I also "look" suitably gay, so I never really come out anymore. While it has gotten easier to come out since I first took the plunge, there are still folks who, for various reasons, continue to hide their sexuality or gender identity. This is perfectly understandable. It is still scary. There is still hatred. People still get fired, kicked out of housing, or disowned by their families. But please also know that there is also a great deal of support out there. If you are struggling with sexuality or gender identity, therapy can be really helpful to work towards coming out. Being authentic to yourself is a beautiful thing. If you need some therapeutic support around coming out, or any other issues around gender or sexuality (or most anything really) please feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.
901-486-5745
kthiestand@yahoo.com
Showing posts with label agender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agender. Show all posts
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Why losing my job was, ultimately, totally awesome
I graduated with my Ph.D. in psychology in 2010. When people would ask what I wanted to do, I had always said I wanted to work with LGBT folks. However, I was able to get a job with an agency working with adults with intellectual/developmental disabilities, so of course I took the job. I needed a year of supervision and a paycheck and the job provided both, so I went with it.
I stayed at that agency for about a year and a half, then went to a different, but similar, agency when I was opposed to some things I was expected to do (share session notes, when by my ethical mandate they must be confidential). So I started at the second agency in March 2011, and thought everything was good. I liked the clients, and my supervisor was awesome (a psychologist who had become my mentor) so that's what I did. I didn't love the job, but I didn't hate it, and it did meet my/our basic needs, so all was good, right?
In 2015 I had a conversation with folks at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (now OutMemphis) and learned that they got calls on a daily basis from LGBT folks struggling to find a therapist. It was at that point that Hiestand Psychological Services was born, and I started seeing clients there on Sundays. I was now working six full days a week, but my work there was so fulfilling that I was good with it.
If I had been honest with myself at that time, I would have recognized that I was not being fulfilled by my regular job. While I did like my clients, many didn't really want to be in therapy so most sessions were a struggle just to get the client involved. There weren't any huge ethical issues like I had faced at the previous agency, but I was aware of some things that I wasn't terribly happy with. Still, it was a paycheck, and I needed a paycheck, so I just ignored the bigger picture.
Towards the end of 2015 my supervisor/mentor left the agency (and the state). At that time things started to unravel. At first I still tried to ignore it, because I needed that paycheck (right?!) and didn't think my private practice would support my family. It was immensely more fulfilling, and certainly supported me emotionally in a way that my regular job didn't, but dang it I needed that paycheck. However, in late August 2016 I lost that job and suddenly had to find another paycheck.
At first I assumed that I needed another job to be financially stable. I started sending in applications to any job openings I could find for psychologists in the area, but I also started growing my private practice to bring in some money while I found another job. I won't go into that whole experience; suffice it to say I didn't find another job. What I did find was that my private practice could support my family, and it was infinitely more satisfying than any of my previous "real jobs."
Fast forward to today. As my wife says, I have a thriving practice. I currently work six and a half days a week, harder than I've ever worked in a job before, but I love it. I do need to carve out a little less time working, but what I do is so fulfilling (most of it anyway, dealing with insurance is still a headache). I'm now doing what I always wanted to do , and more. Many of my clients full under the LGBT rainbow. I work with individuals, couples, and families who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, gender non-conforming (non-binary, agender, bigender). I work with people who are confident in their identities, and I work with folks who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. I work with monogamous folks and polyamorous folks. I work with asexuals, folks in the kink community (BDSM, Furries, Bronies). I work with cross-dressers. I work with all of the people who have struggled to find an open-minded therapist. I still address all of the typical mental health diagnoses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia). I work in my home with therapy animals. While I am often tired in the evenings when I finally decide I've worked enough for the day, I go to bed every night satisfied with the work I do.
Losing my job was a really stressful thing for me. However, I never would have gone out on my own, so it pushed me to do just that. So many of the folks I work with aren't happy in their work life (and we definitely address this) but I am so thankful that I am doing what I always wanted to do. My wife is so supportive of me and my work. My parents have supported me (even when I wasn't confident that I could do this). My in-laws have been behind me, and friends and colleagues have always been willing to give advice and told me "you got this." And you know what, I do got this. Hiestand Psychological Services has gone from a dream to a reality, and I could not be happier with how it transformed to be not only my paycheck, but my career. I know over time it will evolve (eventually I want to have a few more therapists, as well as folks who offer other services). Today it is exactly what I need it to be, and I'm pretty my clients would agree.
I stayed at that agency for about a year and a half, then went to a different, but similar, agency when I was opposed to some things I was expected to do (share session notes, when by my ethical mandate they must be confidential). So I started at the second agency in March 2011, and thought everything was good. I liked the clients, and my supervisor was awesome (a psychologist who had become my mentor) so that's what I did. I didn't love the job, but I didn't hate it, and it did meet my/our basic needs, so all was good, right?
In 2015 I had a conversation with folks at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (now OutMemphis) and learned that they got calls on a daily basis from LGBT folks struggling to find a therapist. It was at that point that Hiestand Psychological Services was born, and I started seeing clients there on Sundays. I was now working six full days a week, but my work there was so fulfilling that I was good with it.
If I had been honest with myself at that time, I would have recognized that I was not being fulfilled by my regular job. While I did like my clients, many didn't really want to be in therapy so most sessions were a struggle just to get the client involved. There weren't any huge ethical issues like I had faced at the previous agency, but I was aware of some things that I wasn't terribly happy with. Still, it was a paycheck, and I needed a paycheck, so I just ignored the bigger picture.
Towards the end of 2015 my supervisor/mentor left the agency (and the state). At that time things started to unravel. At first I still tried to ignore it, because I needed that paycheck (right?!) and didn't think my private practice would support my family. It was immensely more fulfilling, and certainly supported me emotionally in a way that my regular job didn't, but dang it I needed that paycheck. However, in late August 2016 I lost that job and suddenly had to find another paycheck.
At first I assumed that I needed another job to be financially stable. I started sending in applications to any job openings I could find for psychologists in the area, but I also started growing my private practice to bring in some money while I found another job. I won't go into that whole experience; suffice it to say I didn't find another job. What I did find was that my private practice could support my family, and it was infinitely more satisfying than any of my previous "real jobs."
Fast forward to today. As my wife says, I have a thriving practice. I currently work six and a half days a week, harder than I've ever worked in a job before, but I love it. I do need to carve out a little less time working, but what I do is so fulfilling (most of it anyway, dealing with insurance is still a headache). I'm now doing what I always wanted to do , and more. Many of my clients full under the LGBT rainbow. I work with individuals, couples, and families who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, gender non-conforming (non-binary, agender, bigender). I work with people who are confident in their identities, and I work with folks who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. I work with monogamous folks and polyamorous folks. I work with asexuals, folks in the kink community (BDSM, Furries, Bronies). I work with cross-dressers. I work with all of the people who have struggled to find an open-minded therapist. I still address all of the typical mental health diagnoses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia). I work in my home with therapy animals. While I am often tired in the evenings when I finally decide I've worked enough for the day, I go to bed every night satisfied with the work I do.
Losing my job was a really stressful thing for me. However, I never would have gone out on my own, so it pushed me to do just that. So many of the folks I work with aren't happy in their work life (and we definitely address this) but I am so thankful that I am doing what I always wanted to do. My wife is so supportive of me and my work. My parents have supported me (even when I wasn't confident that I could do this). My in-laws have been behind me, and friends and colleagues have always been willing to give advice and told me "you got this." And you know what, I do got this. Hiestand Psychological Services has gone from a dream to a reality, and I could not be happier with how it transformed to be not only my paycheck, but my career. I know over time it will evolve (eventually I want to have a few more therapists, as well as folks who offer other services). Today it is exactly what I need it to be, and I'm pretty my clients would agree.
Friday, April 14, 2017
When did we invent gender identities?
Sunday, January 29, 2017
What is gender?
What
is gender? Much of the work I do involves gender, so it is certainly
something I think about on a regular basis. However, our understanding
of what gender is has changed over time and in different societies. The
history is absolutely fascinating, but for the purposes of this post, I
want to focus only on how it is conceptualized now in our society, and
give brief descriptions of some of the gender identities being used.
When most people think about their own gender, they use their physical bodies, and more specifically their genitalia, to define their gender as either a man or a woman. This works fine for many people, because their gender identity and their physical body are in agreement. However, it is not always the case that gender and physical body agree (I am saying physical body instead of sex intentionally. Often the word sex, or biological sex, is used instead of physical body, and while that often works, their are also folks whose physical bodies - genitals and secondary sexual characteristics - don't match their hormonal levels or chromosomal make-up. For this reason I use the phrase physical body, to avoid conflating any of the above factors when they really shouldn't be).
Okay, so then gender identity can be thought of as a person's internal sense of who they are as a gendered being, or what gender they identify with. It used to be, in our society at least, that gender was limited only to male and female, and was assumed to be consistent with physical body, so something that couldn't be changed. Last century, some brave individuals and their medical providers started exploring the idea of gender and physical body not matching, and looking at ways to bring them into alignment. One of those ways was attempts to use therapy to help a person change their gender identity so that it agreed with their physical body. Therefore, if someone had a penis and the ability to grow facial hair, they were encouraged to open themselves to the "fact" that they are male and should identify as such. Likewise, someone with a vagina and breasts would be encouraged to identify as a woman, even if that went against their internal sense of self.
That treatment failed dismally, with people simply being unable to changed their gender identity. Consequently, some individuals and their medical providers explored ways to change their physical bodies to be more aligned with their gender. Today we understand this process as transitioning, which may include the use of hormone therapy and gender-confirming surgery (but not always).
Another shift that we have seen more recently is the idea that gender is not limited to only male or female, pick one, for each individual. Certainly for many people they are able to choose one, and it is the same as the one assigned at birth. For others they can also pick one, but it is not the one they were assigned at birth. However, there is a portion of the population whose internal sense of gender does not fit neatly into the categories of male or female. There are a number of identities being used now that describe gender beyond just male or female. Some of them include agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, bi-gender, and nonbinary.
Agender, genderfluid, nonbinary, and bi-gender describe someone whose identity is not man or woman, may fall on a spectrum that includes masculinity and femininity, or feels as though they do not have a gender. Genderfluid indicates that gender may shift for some people, such that some days they feel more masculine and some days more feminine. These gender identities are all real, as we realize that gender is much more complex than the male and female boxes we have tried to put everyone into up until recently.
When most people think about their own gender, they use their physical bodies, and more specifically their genitalia, to define their gender as either a man or a woman. This works fine for many people, because their gender identity and their physical body are in agreement. However, it is not always the case that gender and physical body agree (I am saying physical body instead of sex intentionally. Often the word sex, or biological sex, is used instead of physical body, and while that often works, their are also folks whose physical bodies - genitals and secondary sexual characteristics - don't match their hormonal levels or chromosomal make-up. For this reason I use the phrase physical body, to avoid conflating any of the above factors when they really shouldn't be).
Okay, so then gender identity can be thought of as a person's internal sense of who they are as a gendered being, or what gender they identify with. It used to be, in our society at least, that gender was limited only to male and female, and was assumed to be consistent with physical body, so something that couldn't be changed. Last century, some brave individuals and their medical providers started exploring the idea of gender and physical body not matching, and looking at ways to bring them into alignment. One of those ways was attempts to use therapy to help a person change their gender identity so that it agreed with their physical body. Therefore, if someone had a penis and the ability to grow facial hair, they were encouraged to open themselves to the "fact" that they are male and should identify as such. Likewise, someone with a vagina and breasts would be encouraged to identify as a woman, even if that went against their internal sense of self.
That treatment failed dismally, with people simply being unable to changed their gender identity. Consequently, some individuals and their medical providers explored ways to change their physical bodies to be more aligned with their gender. Today we understand this process as transitioning, which may include the use of hormone therapy and gender-confirming surgery (but not always).
Another shift that we have seen more recently is the idea that gender is not limited to only male or female, pick one, for each individual. Certainly for many people they are able to choose one, and it is the same as the one assigned at birth. For others they can also pick one, but it is not the one they were assigned at birth. However, there is a portion of the population whose internal sense of gender does not fit neatly into the categories of male or female. There are a number of identities being used now that describe gender beyond just male or female. Some of them include agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, bi-gender, and nonbinary.
Agender, genderfluid, nonbinary, and bi-gender describe someone whose identity is not man or woman, may fall on a spectrum that includes masculinity and femininity, or feels as though they do not have a gender. Genderfluid indicates that gender may shift for some people, such that some days they feel more masculine and some days more feminine. These gender identities are all real, as we realize that gender is much more complex than the male and female boxes we have tried to put everyone into up until recently.
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