Be kind to yourself and others this holiday season

The holidays are upon us again, bringing fun, family, stress, and sometimes the desire to crawl into bed until it is all over. Holidays can feel heavy with expectations: expectations to participate, to spend gobs of money, and to smile all the while. Unfortunately, sometimes this is just too much to ask.

This holiday season be mindful to only do what you can and what feels right. If family time feels negative, it's okay not to go. I would have thought we would have arrived at a time when families would no longer reject their LGBTQ+ members, but I would be wrong. If your family doesn't accept you or your partners(s), then they don't get the pleasure of your company. Please hold no guilt for this. Spend time with folks who make you feel good, and maintain boundaries with those who do not.

Spend what you can afford, and don't feel guilty if you think you should spend more. You shouldn't. For many people debt is already a concern; don't make it worse this holiday. Give what you can, and what you can't do with money do with love and time spent. Those are far more valuable than cash, and will last so much longer.

Do allow yourself to enjoy the things that come with the holidays. Over Thanksgiving I ate way more than I should have, but you know what? It didn't matter. Yeah, if I ate that way on a regular basis it wouldn't be good, but I adore holiday cooking and it only happens a couple times a year so I am going to take advantage of it. You do the same.

Be mindful of friends who may be going through extra hardships during this time. Death, job loss, sickness, all seem so much worse during the holidays. If those you know are struggling with these things, give them some extra love.

Do surround yourself with those you love. Family (blood or chosen), friends, and of course all of the critters who make our lives more wonderful. I think Christmas is about love more than anything (not food, not presents, not money). Love fully this holiday season, and please, include yourself in that love.

If you are struggling with hardships, please reach out to family, friends, or even a therapist. Please don't try to go it alone.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, AND MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

Regarding the gender memo, we are the Rebel Alliance!!!

We recently learned of a memo in the federal government intended to redefine gender as the sex (genitalia) present at birth. We don't know exactly what they intend to do with this, but it is certainly intended to harm transgender individuals, and perhaps others as well. Once we know what they intend to do we will develop our attack. In this battle, we are the Rebel Alliance.

Throughout the Star Wars saga, the Rebel Alliance consistently faced what appeared as obscene odds against the Empire. Right now that is exactly how this feels. However, the Alliance was able to tap into hope at each turn, and defeated the Empire (the Emperor) each time to continue to rebuild. They were sometimes a rag-tag team of very unlikely heroes, but they held on to hope and overcame the evil in the galaxy.

This memo is nothing short than evil. It is being put forth by the Empire, and we as the Rebel Alliance are being called forward to fight against and defeat it. Please know that whatever they try to do with it, we will fight, and ultimately overcome. We may take some steps backwards in the process; progress is rarely consistently forward. We are stronger and more connected than we have ever been; we are a force to be reckoned with. We will pull out our blasters and lightsabers, invite the wookies, droids, and porgs to join us, and we will not be erased by this memo. We are the Gender (Rebel) Alliance, and we will survive and prosper. May the Force Be With Us.

It's been a while since I've posted. Short answer, I'm busy. We just passed National Coming Out Day again, so I wanted to touch base about that. I've been out for about 25 years. I also "look" suitably gay, so I never really come out anymore. While it has gotten easier to come out since I first took the plunge, there are still folks who, for various reasons, continue to hide their sexuality or gender identity. This is perfectly understandable. It is still scary. There is still hatred. People still get fired, kicked out of housing, or disowned by their families. But please also know that there is also a great deal of support out there. If you are struggling with sexuality or gender identity, therapy can be really helpful to work towards coming out. Being authentic to yourself is a beautiful thing. If you need some therapeutic support around coming out, or any other issues around gender or sexuality (or most anything really) please feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.

901-486-5745

kthiestand@yahoo.com

Thoughts on mental illness and mass shooters

I cringe a little bit each time I see something about how mental illness is the most important fact involved in mass shootings. I've never met the individuals who did it, so I certainly can't comment on their mental health. It is true that mental illness is not addressed in this country as it should be. Stigma makes it extremely hard for some folks to even consider services, and finances are a significant barrier to many. Insurance provides some coverage for some people, but reimbursement to providers (how much money they pay me) is dismal. I don't know what the solution is, but mental health services need to be severely revamped in this country. But back to what I was trying to say...

Some or most/all of the shooters might have had mental illness. It could be part of what led them to do the atrocious acts they did. However, mental illness IS NOT why they did it. Each and every one of them made a conscious decision to carry guns into a school or other locale and open fire, presumably killing as many as they could.  I don't know why they did it, but they each made the decision to do it. Blaming mental illness in effect takes the responsibility away from them and places it on something that millions of people have who don't shoot up schools. It sounds to me like an easy attempt at an excuse.

I don't know what the solution is to reduce/eliminate mass shootings in this country. I also don't know how to create the mental health reform we need. I do know that the blame for their actions rests solidly on them (maybe shared by their parents, I don't know). I want to mention that I am purposefully avoiding to go into gun reform; I don't think this in the place for it. Mental illness does create significant struggles for millions of people. It does not shoot up schools.

Why losing my job was, ultimately, totally awesome

I graduated with my Ph.D. in psychology in 2010. When people would ask what I wanted to do, I had always said I wanted to work with LGBT folks. However, I was able to get a job with an agency working with adults with intellectual/developmental disabilities, so of course I took the job. I needed a year of supervision and a paycheck and the job provided both, so I went with it.

I stayed at that agency for about a year and a half, then went to a different, but similar, agency when I was opposed to some things I was expected to do (share session notes, when by my ethical mandate they must be confidential). So I started at the second agency in March 2011, and thought everything was good. I liked the clients, and my supervisor was awesome (a psychologist who had become my mentor) so that's what I did. I didn't love the job, but I didn't hate it, and it did meet my/our basic needs, so all was good, right?

In 2015 I had a conversation with folks at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (now OutMemphis) and learned that they got calls on a daily basis from LGBT folks struggling to find a therapist. It was at that point that Hiestand Psychological Services was born, and I started seeing clients there on Sundays. I was now working six full days a week, but my work there was so fulfilling that I was good with it.

If I had been honest with myself at that time, I would have recognized that I was not being fulfilled by my regular job. While I did like my clients, many didn't really want to be in therapy so most sessions were a struggle just to get the client involved. There weren't any huge ethical issues like I had faced at the previous agency, but I was aware of some things that I wasn't terribly happy with. Still, it was a paycheck, and I needed a paycheck, so I just ignored the bigger picture.

Towards the end of 2015 my supervisor/mentor left the agency (and the state). At that time things started to unravel. At first I still tried to ignore it, because I needed that paycheck (right?!) and didn't think my private practice would support my family. It was immensely more fulfilling, and certainly supported me emotionally in a way that my regular job didn't, but dang it I needed that paycheck. However, in late August 2016 I lost that job and suddenly had to find another paycheck.

At first I assumed that I needed another job to be financially stable. I started sending in applications to any job openings I could find for psychologists in the area, but I also started growing my private practice to bring in some money while I found another job. I won't go into that whole experience; suffice it to say I didn't find another job. What I did find was that my private practice could support my family, and it was infinitely more satisfying than any of my previous "real jobs."

Fast forward to today. As my wife says, I have a thriving practice. I currently work six and a half days a week, harder than I've ever worked in a job before, but I love it. I do need to carve out a little less time working, but what I do is so fulfilling (most of it anyway, dealing with insurance is still a headache). I'm now doing what I always wanted to do , and more. Many of my clients full under the LGBT rainbow. I work with individuals, couples, and families who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, gender non-conforming (non-binary, agender, bigender). I work with people who are confident in their identities, and I work with folks who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. I work with monogamous folks and polyamorous folks. I work with asexuals, folks in the kink community (BDSM, Furries, Bronies). I work with cross-dressers. I work with all of the people who have struggled to find an open-minded therapist. I still address all of the typical mental health diagnoses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia). I work in my home with therapy animals. While I am often tired in the evenings when I finally decide I've worked enough for the day, I go to bed every night satisfied with the work I do.

Losing my job was a really stressful thing for me. However, I never would have gone out on my own, so it pushed me to do just that. So many of the folks I work with aren't happy in their work life (and we definitely address this) but I am so thankful that I am doing what I always wanted to do. My wife is so supportive of me and my work. My parents have supported me (even when I wasn't confident that I could do this). My in-laws have been behind me, and friends and colleagues have always been willing to give advice and told me "you got this." And you know what, I do got this. Hiestand Psychological Services has gone from a dream to a reality, and I could not be happier with how it transformed to be not only my paycheck, but my career. I know over time it will evolve (eventually I want to have a few more therapists, as well as folks who offer other services). Today it is exactly what I need it to be, and I'm pretty my clients would agree.

What is family?

Merriam-Webster defines "family" as:

1a: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family

 

b : spouse and children

 

2 : a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

 

These aren't actually bad definitions. People often think of family as being limited to parents and their children, and maybe their extended family, but the definition points out that family can be any of the various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family. But what are these various social units?

 

 

First off, children are not a requirement for a family to exist. Many adults have a partner or partners but no children - still a family. Maybe they intend to have children at some point, maybe not. Adults can make up a family.

 

Historically in this country it was assumed that in a family there would be only two adults (discounting extended family of course) and that those two adults would be one man and one woman. Fortunately most people now accept that two women or two men (or two folks however they define their gender) can make a family. LGB individuals now are perceived, most of the time anyway, as being able to create and live as a family - again, with or without children.

 

Recently I have been contacted by a number of individuals wanting counseling who are involved in polyamorous relationships. This means that there are more than two adults in the relationship. There are all sorts of possible configurations here. Maybe it is three adults (or more) who are all romantically involved with each other. Maybe not everyone is romantically involved with everyone else (for instance, a couple who each have other romantic partners but those partners are not involved with each other). I know this sounds complicated, but a family unit does not require everyone to be romantically or sexually involved with everyone else. Romance and sex are certainly very common components of a family, but they aren't required.

 

Pets can be part of a family. So many of the folks I work with, and myself of course, consider their pets to be active members of their family. And you all know I love talking about pets - my family includes a dog and four cats - equal in my mind to children (but so much less expensive!!!!!).

 

Sometimes family may be chosen people who aren't romantically or sexually involved but provide unconditional love and emotional support. Think about the various communities people are involved in. Sometimes those communities become comparable to family units, providing many of the same benefits as the "traditional family."

 

Family is not a legal designation. Certainly there are often legal relationships in a family, but again, that isn't required. Some folks choose to not get married for personal reasons. Sometimes folks in a family can get married (such as folks in polyamorous relationships). Legality does not make a family.

 

I encourage everyone to think outside the traditional two heterosexual - 1 man, 1 woman - and their children concept of family. However, you define your own family, know that it should be validated and recognized as a legitimate family unit. Realize that families may have super diverse configurations, but that doesn't negate them being a family. Love your family, and allow everyone else to do likewise. Create the family that you want, and support everyone else's right to do so. It just makes good sense.

Hope is the Cure

Fear keeps us stuck in situations in which we are unhappy; fear that things can even change, or fear of what that change might look like. Perhaps we are struggling with depression or anxiety, and we don't believe that things can get better. Maybe we are unhappy in our relationship, but we don't address it for fear of what may happen. Many people feel stuck in jobs in which they are unhappy, but fear of loss of income prevents us from looking for a better way. Many of the people I work with struggle with gender identity issues but are, understandably, fearful of what making changes will bring.

In all of these situations, we lack the hope that things can get better. Change is hard. We are afraid of what that change will look like. What if things do change but nothing gets better? We may not be aware of it, but fear clouds hope for so many people. Let me give an example from my own life in which fear kept me stuck without hope that things can get better.

Before I was doing my private practice full time I had a job, but was very unhappy. I was working for an agency as a psychologist, but my work wasn't fulfilling and there were a number of issues that I felt powerless to change. I knew that I wanted to have a private practice, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I had significant financial responsibilities, and didn't think I had the financial resources to consider making changes. I had bills to pay, and making sure I was able to do that kept me stuck in unhappiness.

Then I unexpectedly lost my job. I immediately started looking for another job, because I thought that was my only good option. I was fearful of financial consequences and didn't have the hope that I could make private practice work. I did start building my private practice (at the time it was already established but was very small) in order to have some income, but my focus was on finding another job based on my belief that was the only way I would have financial security.

I never did find another job in the way I thought I needed. During the time I was looking, my private practice was building, and shockingly I was able to pay all of my bills. Yes, my finances were very tight, but everything got paid.

There wasn't a single moment when I realized that private practice was all I needed. No ah-ha moment, no instant where suddenly I knew it would work. However, over time my fear of financial insecurity was replaced by the hope that I could really do this. I was working from home so that I wouldn't have all of the financial obligations associated with maintaining an office elsewhere. Even when I started to realize that the private practice was really working, I still thought working from home was a temporary thing until I could afford a "real" office. It's now a year and a half later, and I'm still working from my home office. I am as financially secure as I was when I was working for someone else. I'm also amazingly more happy than I was when I had a boss and a paycheck every two weeks.

I didn't have the confidence that I could do it on my own. This fear of failure kept me stuck. In my case it wasn't by choice that I depended on my private practice, it was by necessity when I suddenly found myself without a "real" job. I can now say that losing my job was the best thing that could have happened. I wouldn't have attempted to go out on my own - fear made me believe I couldn't do it. But somewhere in there hope took root and Hiestand Psychological Services is all I need. Having a home office is fairly unusual, but I realized it really works. So many of my clients comment that they love the home setting an opposed to a commercial office. And having my pets around also significantly adds to the work I do in ways I couldn't have even imagined.

What are you afraid of? Where in your life is hope clouded by fear? Know that change can happen, even if we aren't sure what that change will look like. I wouldn't have a job if people or situations couldn't change. When we find that hope, even if it is just a spark, we can go on to make significant changes in our lives for the better. Fear is a disease; hope is its only cure.