Asexual Awareness Week - Celebrate with us!

 Ace With a Place! 

Celebrate Asexual Awareness Week With Us!

Meet & Greet – Wednesday October 25, 6-9 pm

We will be meeting at OutMemphis for board games, snacks, and chats. Feel free to bring your own game and/or snacks; we will have some already if you just want to bring yourself!

Flag Raising Ceremony – Saturday October 28, 1 pm

Join us at OutMemphis as we raise the Asexual flag on the lawn, and add the flag to the other pride flags over the entrance.

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like homosexuality, bisexuality, and heterosexuality. People who identify as asexual typically experience a lack of sexual attraction or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It isn’t a choice like being celibate; asexuality is usually a stable identity. Asexuals may desire intimate romantic relationships that may include lots of forms of physical touch like hugging, kissing, holding hands, and cuddling. Their romantic relationships may be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual, and they may be monogamous or polyamorous.

Why this group?

People who identify as asexual face significant societal stigma that frequently prevents them from being able to be out about their identity or to explore the possibility of being asexual. While there are groups online where asexuals can connect for support and camaraderie, there is a significant barrier to meeting other asexuals face-to-face. We want to change that by creating a group at OutMemphis that will give asexual-identifying individuals a place to go and be with other folks who understand them. We intend it to be primarily a social group, but we also want people to have a place where they can find support either dealing with or exploring the possibility of being asexual.

Use #AceMemphis to share your Ace pride and connect with others in the Mid-South area

Happy Coming Out Day! Or is it?

Recently we had National Coming Out Day, which is held annually on October 11. For folks just coming out it can serve as momentum for doing perhaps the most exciting (and scary) thing in their life. For those of us who have been out for a while, it's a day when we can reaffirm our sexuality and maybe joke about how, dang it, I don't get to come out anymore because everyone already knows.

However, for those who aren't out for fear of losing their family, friends, jobs, housing, children, lives, it can be a day that serves as a reminder that they have to continue to live a lie, one which ultimately is deleterious to their health.

If you are an LGBTQA (sexual/gender minority) child or adolescent who is stuck in the closet, please know that it will get better. There will come a time when you will be in a position to come out, even if your family will not support it. If you are an adult who feels stuck, please find ways to come out, even if it isn't in every aspect of your life. Sometimes we have to choose our families when our family of origin doesn't support us. While this is horribly unfortunate, if your family doesn't value you for who you are, please know that there are many folks who will be happy to be your chosen family, and give you the support you need to be your true self. Please don't hide your true colors, we need you in this crazy, sometimes confusing and scary, but ultimately fulfilling world of sexual and gender minorities. Please reach out to me if you want some therapeutic support in being your authentic self.

Trans Kids: Is that really a thing?

Currently we see posts online about transgender kids and adolescents - some of them are positive while others are brutally negative. The bottom line of the negative posts is typically something about kids not being able to know their gender and the dangers of allowing kids to take steps to express their gender in a way that feels right. Is it appropriate to let kids live as they experience their gender?

At this time I am working with a lot of transgender adolescents as well as some transgender kids. Not only is it appropriate to let them express their gender as it feels right to them, it is imperative that we allow them to express themselves, and not try to dictate how we think they should live.

There are two broad aspects of transitioning: social and medical. Social transitioning entails things like how we dress and cur our hair, what pronouns we want people to use to refer to us, what name we want to be called by, how we interact with the world. Medical transitioning includes hormone blockers, hormone therapy, and surgeries.

When we are talking about transgender kids and adolescents, we are talking primarily about social transitioning. There is nothing damaging about letting a child with a penis wear dresses and be referred to as she. Most of the transgender adults I work with have known from a very young age that they are trans, just as cisgender adults have basically always known they are cis. Our experience of gender is something we are aware of from a very young age, and no one except ourselves can know how we really feel. It is true that occasionally a kid expresses themselves as trans for a while, and then decides that isn't right for them. They go back to expressing themselves as their birth sex/gender, and no harm is done. For the vast majority of trans kids and adolescents however, they do not make such a decision and continue to live as a trans individual.

As far as medical transitioning for kids and adolescents, we are talking primarily about hormone blockers and occasionally about hormones (for the older ones) but never about surgery. Hormone blockers basically shut down puberty, but are completely reversible. If a child thinks they are transgender, it is appropriate to use blockers to stop the changes that happen with puberty. For biological males this prevents their voice from dropping or facial and body hair from growing, both of which are hugely problematic for transgender female adults, who then have to deal with erasing these things in order for them to pass. For biological females, blockers prevent breast development, which then eliminates a surgery later in life. If it is determined that the child no longer wants to continue with any sort of transitioning, the blockers are stopped and puberty picks right back up. No Harm Done.

For older transgender adolescents, hormones are sometimes started. This is never done without a huge amount of exploration, work with a therapist and oversight by a pediatric endocrinologist. This too is the right decision for adolescents who have lived as their experienced gender enough to know that it is the right step for them to take. Great care is taken before starting them because they do cause permanent changes, particularly for trans male (voice dropping and hair growth).

Yes, trans kids is really a thing, just a trans adults are a thing. We have the ability to take steps, both medically and socially to help kids who are transgender navigate their world in a comfortable and healthy way. These kids are some of the bravest people I know.

Why I expect to be called Dr.

Recently I posted on Facebook after a client called me "dear." This was the post:

"When talking to your psychologist, do not call them "dear". We have a doctorate degree. Unless they tell you otherwise, it's Dr."

This certainly wasn't the first time a client has called me something that felt disrespectful. The fact that I immediately responded by posted on FaceBook is primarily because of my immediate reaction in the moment, not specifically about this client. Since then I have thought a great deal about why I responded so quickly, and there are some significant reasons why I did. However, the post got a lot of comments, so I thought it makes sense to address it again here, where I can address it more generally and not be focused on the one interaction.

I have a doctorate degree, a Doctor of Philosophy in Psychology. After my four years of undergraduate school (in which I earned a bachelor's of science in biology) I was in graduate school for a full 11 years, first earning my master's in general psychology and my Ph.D. in counseling psychology. During those years I sat in classes countless hours, published five articles in peer-reviewed journals, wrote many papers, did hours and hours and hours of research, presented at many professional conventions, took many exams hours, completed hundreds of hours of clinical experiences, wrote a dissertation, passed comprehensive exams in the program and two licensure exams, and amassed a significant amount of student debt. I earned the title of Dr. If I am interacting with someone in a professional capacity, the only thing it is appropriate to call me is Dr.

Most often people call me by my first name, and less often they use terms of endearment like "dear." The fact that I am female probably explains some of this - in our country women are frequently referred to by familiar terms such as "honey", "dear", "sweetie", even "darling". When people use these terms, they will say that they use them out of love, showing Southern hospitality, making a connection with the individual. What they are really doing is erasing the time, effort, and money many of us spend in education and training to be able to help people in various capacities.

If I am working with you as a psychologist, then I am not your honey, dear, sweetie, or darling. Heck, unless I'm your kid or your spouse I'm really not those things to you either. I always introduce myself as Dr. Hiestand, and in doing so I am letting you know how I expect to be referred to. Therapy is an interesting relationship, because while I may end up knowing a great deal about you personally, you aren't going to know much about me in that way. Expecting to be referred to as Dr. is not an attempt to put myself above you, but the reality is that I have knowledge and skills that allow me to help people in a therapeutic setting. Knowledge and skills that I spent years and thousands of dollars acquiring. Calling me doctor acknowledges that I have earned a level of professional proficiency that few people do.

If you have not been told otherwise, always call your doctors by the appropriate titles. Some individuals prefer not to be referred to that way, but they will let you know. When someone introduces themselves as Dr. ---, that is their way of letting you know how they expect to be referred to. Doctors are no better than anyone else, but we've worked hard to earn the right to be called Dr. Doing otherwise is not loving, is not showing Southern hospitality; it's just disrespectful.

 not call them "dear".
 We have a doctorate degree. Unless they tell you otherwise, it's Dr.

Why can't boys wear dresses?????

I haven't posted in a while. I suppose my excuse is I have been really busy, and that is true. For a while I also struggled with coming up with something to write about that people might actually be interested in. If there is anything you are interested in that you would like me to address, please let me know. I'm happy to answer questions or write about subjects folks want to know more about, so just let me know.

Recently I read a couple articles about boys (children or adolescents) who wear dresses. The articles didn't identify the kids as necessarily transgender; they seemed to just be boys who like to wear dresses sometimes, and had parents who would let them do that. I imagine some of the kids may be transgender, but not all of them. Boys (or men) who want to wear dresses (or make-up, or skirts, or blouses, or panties) may not feel like or identify as women. Plenty of women wear pants (or ties, or loafers, or no make-up) but don't feel like men. It is now basically accepted for women to wear "men's" clothing; why is it still such a big deal if a boy or man wants to wear "women's" clothing?

I think one of the big issues is that it is seen as stepping up for a woman to present as more male, while it is seen as a step down for a man to present in a way expected only for women. To my mind there is absolutely no difference between me wearing the clothes I do (men's) and cisgender men wearing dresses. Absolutely - No - Difference. Why do people get so angry about it when parents let their kids dress the way they want? Boys used to wear dresses as an accepted part of culture. Blue used to be the "girl" color and pink was the "boy" color. These have changed, but why the rigid rules around color and clothes?

I find myself really losing patience with the anger that often is expressed if a parent allows their son to wear a dress because the kid wants to. Are we seriously so uptight about our boys not being the epitome of masculinity that is typically forced on anyone born with a penis? Seriously? If a boy wants to wear a dress, let him wear a dress. Maybe he is transgender and this is the first step she is taking towards being herself. Maybe he is just a boy who wants to wear a dress.

Asexuals have a place in Memphis

Asexuals with a Place

Join us for the second meeting of Memphis’s newest social group, a group for individuals who identify as asexual or are questioning this aspect of their identity. We will be meeting at OutMemphis for games, snacks, and chats. Feel free to bring your own game and/or snacks; we will have some already if you just want to bring yourself!

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like homosexuality, bisexuality, and heterosexuality. People who identify as asexual typically experience a lack of sexual attraction or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It isn’t a choice like being celibate; asexuality is usually a stable identity. Asexuals may desire intimate romantic relationships that may include lots of forms of physical touch like hugging, kissing, holding hands, and cuddling. Their romantic relationships may be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual, and they may be monogamous or polyamorous.

Why this group?

People who identify as asexual face significant societal stigma that frequently prevents them from being able to be out about their identity or to explore the possibility of being asexual. While there are groups online where asexuals can connect for support and camaraderie, there is a significant barrier to meeting other asexuals face-to-face. We are changing that by creating a group at OutMemphis that will give asexual-identifying individuals a place to go and be with other folks who understand them. We intend it to be primarily a social group, but we also want people to have a place where they can find support either dealing with or exploring the possibility of being asexual.

The Meeting

Who: Anyone who identifies as asexual or is questioning that aspect of their life

What: Game night with snacks and chats

When: July 25, 2017, 6-9 pm

Where: OutMemphis, 892 Cooper Street, Memphis, 38104

Why: Because we need to

Sometimes the penis really does matter

Did I get your attention? Good. Say the word penis and people pay attention. This is a hot topic, and one with a good bit of disagreement. Perhaps I should steer clear of it - sometimes I don't like getting involved in things with the potential for drama - but today I do want to go there.

I have heard from multiple folks - clients and friends alike - that there is a discourse going on currently around people being transphobic. What I have heard is directed against lesbians, although there may be a similar thread towards gay men (or maybe even straight folks) that I'm just not aware of. The issue seems to be that there are lesbians who do not want to have sex with a trans woman who has not had any sort of gender confirmation surgery, and they are being called transphobic because of it. The idea seems to be that if someone is a woman, and someone else is typically attracted to women, then the someone else should be willing to have sex with the woman. I don't think this is fair.

For some people, genitals are an important part of their sex lives. They may definitely want a penis present, or they may definitely not want a penis present. I know there are lots of folks who don't care so much about genital specifics; these are the folks who identify as bisexual or pansexual. If someone doesn't care about the genitals, then pre-op or post-op may not matter. But for those who are not attracted to some genital configurations, it does matter, but it doesn't make them phobic.

We aren't typically in control of what turns us on. If someone is not turned on by a penis, that isn't a decision they are making, it's just how they are wired. They may be completely accepting of transfolks of all persuasions, but that doesn't mean they want to have sex with them all. Gender isn't the only thing that figures into sexual attraction - genitals are a part of it. A pre-op trans woman is completely a woman - being a woman doesn't depend on what is (or isn't) between someone's legs.

If we think about it, sexual attraction depends on all sorts of things. I'll use myself as an example. Straight guys typically aren't going to want to have sex with me because part of their sexual attraction is towards some level of femininity, and I don't have that. Gay men typically aren't going to want to have sex with me because, while I have the masculinity thing going on, I don't have the genitals they want. Same thing with straight women - masculine, check; penis, nope. There are actually quite a few lesbians who aren't sexually attracted to me, for exactly that reason. Their sexual attraction includes more femininity than I offer. Fortunately for me, there are women who are attracted to female genitals on a masculine body. Most of the people on the planet wouldn't be sexually attracted to me. I'm good with that.

Being bi-sexual or pansexual isn't being more open-minded than lesbians, gay men, and straight folks. They're just being wired in a different way such that genitals aren't a factor in sexual attraction. A lesbian who in every other way affirms a trans woman being a woman, but doesn't want to have sex with her if her genitals haven't been altered, is not being transphobic. Just because she is a lesbian doesn't mean she is automatically going to be sexually attracted to every woman on the planet, and to accuse her of being transphobic is simply not validating her sexual attraction. Transwomen are women, but it's okay for a lesbian to not want a penis involved when it comes to sex.