Support for parents and families of transgender individuals

 No one ever said being a parent was easy. But when someone comes out to their family as transgender, parents may have no idea where to turn. Knowing they face unique challenges, I started a support group for parents and families of transgender individuals, TransParents. It meets once a month, usually the third Sunday of the month, at 2 pm CST. Originally it met at OutMemphis, the local LGBT community center, but since the Covid-19 outbreak, it has met online via Zoom. While I am present to answer questions and provide guidance when warranted, my primary goal is for it to be a place where families can support each other, can know that there are other folks dealing with the same challenges they are. While attendance has been smallish (usually 3-6 attendees a meeting) I think it has provided a safe space for parents and other family members to connect and know that they are not alone.

Up until now, the group has served the Memphis/Tri-Cities area. After recent discussion, we've become aware that now that we are meeting via Zoom, the group could be made available to individuals who aren't local. If you or someone you know is interested in the group, contact me at transparent@outmemphis.org and we will get you connected. Being a parent is hard; you shouldn't have to do it alone.

How can we keep going on? I think Gloria says it best...

 Oh no, not I, I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I’ll stay alive

I’ve got all my life to live

And I’ve got all my love to give and I’ll survive

I will survive

-Gloria Gaynor

Many of you probably recognize this chorus from the song “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, which has become one of the anthems of the LGBT community. The song itself is about a break-up, but I think the essence is very applicable to us today. Right now it feels like the world is out to break us. First was the Covid-19 virus, then racial inequality became a problem we can no longer ignore, and finally yesterday we learned that gender identity is no longer protected within healthcare. I’ll be honest; yesterday when I learned about the change in protections within healthcare, I was about ready to give up. I kind of felt like I might crumble, like I might lay down and die…

But you know what? I think I’d rather survive. Sometimes hope feels a little slippery, and I struggle to hold on to it. I don’t know what the solutions are to the problems we are currently facing. I do believe that dismantling racial inequality, in all the various ways it manifests, is probably going to take years, so I’m strapping in for the long haul. I don’t know how the virus and discrimination around gender identity are going to play out, but I plan to be around for it. Right now, every day, I will put one foot in front of the other, do what I need to do in the moment, and survive. Some days are going to be hard and scary, and that hope is going to be flopping all over the floor, seeming just out of reach. Other days will seem easier, with hope solidly in my heart. I’ll reach out for support and assurance as I need to, and provide these to others as I can. I’ve still got some life left to live, and there’s still some love in there left to give, so I think I’ll stick around and survive. Will you join me?

Telehealth is my new best friend

On Sunday March 22, I stopped face-to-face sessions completely and went entirely online (telehealth). I decided at some point that I would do only online until the end of May and then re-assess. May is almost over, so I've been looking at statistics and thinking about safety, and have decided to stay solely online for now.

I know that some of my folks really prefer in-person sessions. Honestly, I do too. I find that it can be harder to connect with someone over the computer, and lately I've felt more tired than usual at the end of the day. However, safety is the top priority, and right now I think that dictates continued quarantining for my household and business.

I think the city opened back up too soon. Now, that is probably easier for me to say than for some folks. I have continued to work throughout the quarantine. I am able to do my work online just fine. My wife continues to work so our income really hasn't changed. I am definitely blessed as a small business owner to be able to work under these circumstances as so many other small business owners are in a very different place financially. I don't know what the right answer is; actually, I don't think there is a right answer. Keeping the city closed longer probably would be the right decision health-wise, but opening back up, at least to some extent, is better for business (at least in the short-term).

Even though the city is now mostly open, I don't have to re-enter myself. I have chosen to continue to self-quarantine; I do believe that is the right decision for myself, my family, and my business. Because I work in my home, if a client was infected but didn't know it, my family is at a higher risk of being exposed than if I worked in an office somewhere. I won't put my family in danger. However, it isn't all about my family. If I had a single client who was positive for Covid-19, then over the course of two weeks I would expose at least 50 people (besides my family) and that is definitely not something I am willing to do. So for now, I am going to keep my practice 100% online.

I don't know when this will change. I am tentatively saying I will be only telehealth until the end of June. Now, if I believe that we get to a safe place for face-to-face before the end of June, then I may shift to face-to-face sooner. We'll just have to wait and see how this plays out.

For those of you who prefer telehealth, I don't know if it will continue to be an option per insurance once we are past the Covid-19 crisis. If insurance continues to cover it, then I will be happy to continue to do it. Prior to the pandemic I already did telehealth if insurance wasn't involved. It may be that we'll be able to continue doing it, with insurance coverage, post pandemic; again, we'll just have to see how this plays out.

All of you, please stay safe. I think the best practice is to continue to wear face-masks right now when in public, and to limit social interactions, but I don't get to make the rules if you don't live in my house (heck, I live with two teenagers, I'm not sure I make the rules for them anymore given that I am now a stupid parent who knows NOTHING about their trials and tribulations). In any case, stay safe, and one of these days I look forward to seeing you again in person.

Surviving the viral invasion, or why my cats suddenly hate me

Every morning when I wake up, I make a plan of action for the day. Until recently that plan might include the errands I need to run, where I want to eat dinner, are there any good movies out I want to see. These days, except for the rare essential exception, my plan includes chores I need to do around the house, what we might prepare for dinner, and is there anything interesting on Netflix. This change in planning happened quite suddenly a couple weeks ago, when I accepted, begrudgingly, that a little one-celled organism that doesn't even have a brain now dictates, to a very large degree, where I go if it's off my property. The introvert in me doesn't so much mind staying home. The human in me is pissed that I'm now answering to a virus named after a crown or a beer, depending on your perspective.

Like so many others, this sense of loss of control is both infuriating and frightening. This is a scenario that never goes well for humans in the movies, and for which we're not getting a great deal of solid guidance. The powers that be can't seem to agree on exactly how to approach this. The scientific community is working tirelessly to gain an understanding of the specific characteristics of this entity. The entity itself is mindlessly trying to find hosts, in this case humans, so it can replicate its DNA or RNA and thus stick around. After all, a virus is nothing more than a bit of genetic material (DNA or RNA) enclosed in a protein shell called the capsid. Some viruses also have an outer membrane called the envelope. Our little COVID-19 happens to contain RNA, and it does have an envelope with lots of teeny tiny spikes that resemble a crown, hence the name corona (Latin).

Regardless of your understanding of it, we are all pretty much at the mercy of this little replicating machine, and it has turned the world as we know it upside down. How do we cope with all of the recent changes, including the very real fear of death that it brings. I've got a few thoughts that I'd like to share with you to help bring a little hope back into the picture.

For now get your information from knowledgeable scientific sources. There is so much misinformation swirling around that's it's easy to get confused. The CDC is a good source, as well as other scientific organizations that specialize in critters of this nature. For now the government isn't a good source of information so much. The government is mostly politicians, and thus far we haven't gotten much good information from them. This isn't exactly a criticism, after all they're politicians and not biologists.

For now stay home except for absolutely essential trips. This is where the loss of control feels really bad. We don't yet know how long this will last. One thing we do know is if everyone actually does this, it won't last as long as if we don't. The virus wants us (as much as a virus can actually want) to be around each other so it can be passed among all of us and make tons of copies of its little RNA sequence. If we isolate, we deny it the one thing it needs to survive. I don't care to let the virus use my cells to reproduce, and in that way I am taking back some control over my own cells. Staying home stretched out on the couch watching Netflix will literally save lives. Just do it please.

Reach out to family, friends, loved ones frequently and safely. We may not be able to reach out and touch one another (bonus points if you can name the reference) but we can still check in with each other. Use a video service so your friends can see how long your hair (and roots) are getting. Laugh about it, it's happening to all of us. Our hairdressers tell us not to cut our bangs!!!. I say cut your bangs, shave it all off, do whatever you want because you can! Take control over the hairs on your head!!! Our hairdressers can fix it later.

Find things to keep yourself occupied. You do want to do everything you can to avoid boredom, which is more than happy to escort in depression. Typically we encourage folks to not be online all the time, but at the moment you have much more permission to do it for connection and entertainment. Do puzzles. Finish all the home projects you started over the last years but never finished. Start projects with the intention of actually finishing them (even if you don't!). Read. Learn to crochet, then make little cardigans for all of your cats. They will love them, I promise you!!!

Don't spend too much time looking at the news. The news these days is pretty bleak, but it isn't changing multiple times throughout the day. Intentionally get news updates a couple times a day, but other than that, focus on your projects, or what's for dinner, or braiding your armpit hair. And don't forget the kitty cardigans! But seriously, limit news consumption. A lot.

Realize that right now anxiety is a really super normal reaction to what it going. Realize also that anxiety doesn't have to be the focus of your day. Identify, as much as you can, specifically what you are anxious about. Determine whether or not it is something that you have any control over at the moment. If it is, address it. If it isn't, tell your brain over and over that right now that's not a thing that you can address and that your focus needs to be on what you can. If you have pets, spend time with them (that reduces anxiety). Meditate. Do yoga. Watch Yoda. Do what you need to do to distract yourself.

Currently therapists are generally still working as we have the option to do it safely online. If you feel as though you are really struggling and stuff is getting out of hand, reach out to start some therapy. Depression and anxiety are going to pop up; if it seems as though they are in control, talk to us. It's what we're trained to help with.

We're all in this together, even though we're going through it in isolation. It's unclear now when we will be able to stop quarantines, but we will. Find hope in the fact that COVID-19 is not the first virus on the planet, and we will gain back control as we learn more and as we deny it the chance to spread. Lean on each other. Make sure the people in your little corner of the world are doing okay. If everyone did this then we would all still be connected, even if only virtually. Finally, tell yourself every day that we will all once again get a good haircut. Until then, cut your bangs or shave your head. And don't forget the feline cardigans - your cats are depending on you!!!!!

A Valuable Lesson from my Dog

Every morning when we get up, my dog Gandalf acts like he couldn't be happier. He's bouncing around, greeting everyone (sometimes to the annoyance of the cats), wagging his tail like crazy, and I swear he's smiling.

I used to ask him every single morning what he was so happy about that he was practically dancing on the ceiling. Recently though, I'm trying to borrow a bit of his perspective. I think he can teach me, and us, a valuable lesson.

When I get up in the morning, I'm typically not in a bad mood. I'm sitting here trying to think of a word to describe my mood in the mornings, but all I can really come up with is preoccupied. That's not necessarily a mood, but I think it describes me perfectly. I am completely in my head, thinking about all of the different things I need to do that day, and not at all aware of what I might be feeling.

I imagine many of you share this experience. We're not focused on what is going on right that minute, we're thinking about things perhaps hours (or days) down the road, and not checking in with ourselves to see how we are doing in this moment. Gandalf, on the other hand (or paw), is completely oblivious to what he might be doing this afternoon, and is completely aware of his happiness at seeing the other members of his pack, and makes sure we are all aware of it.

Now, I realize that Gandalf and I do not have the same cognitive structures nor abilities, that he is unable to process things as I can. However, just because I can, doesn't mean I always need to. It is rare that I have anything coming up that I need to focus on right when I get up. I've got my morning routine, but it doesn't have to include deep thinking. It actually is the perfect time to check in with myself, my dog, my cats, and my family, and enjoy the moments before the workday begins. If I stop thinking and become aware of my feelings, I am happy to see each of the living creatures who live in my house. When I shift my focus from thinking to feeling, with the focus being on that very moment in time, the results are actually quite pleasant. I've got hours later in the day to think about my work, my chores, my bills, my obligations; I don't have to start churning out the thoughts as soon as I am upright.

For most of us, our lives do include a decent amount of stress and concern. However, we aren't directly dealing with those things every second, but if we're thinking about them even when we aren't actively working on them, then we are losing that moment in time. Being mindful of what is going on, and what is important, in this very minute, can provide some time to just be with ourselves and with those around us. While I have found that I don't get quite as excited as Gandalf (which is understandable, because he has the perfect life) I can enjoy some moments of companionship which gets the day started off on a much better foot (or paw) than launching into obligatory thoughts; being mindful of that moment only is a far better way to start my day than endless to-do lists.

I encourage each of you to think about your own days, and identify moments when you can try to be more intentional about the moment, and less cognitive and more self aware. I haven't been doing this for too long, but it does seem to get the day going a lot smoother, and is appreciated by the critters in my life. While I have taught Gandalf some important things in his first year, perhaps the most important lesson (hmmm, besides house-training) he taught to me. Could this lesson help you too?

Hypnotherapy is Here!

HYPNOTHERAPY

I am happy to announce that I am now offering hypnotherapy as one of my treatment modalities. At this time I will be using it to address a number of concerns including depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, and trauma.

Hypnotherapy is a very safe and effective treatment modality. At no time during the process will the client be told anything that we haven't previously discussed; I do understand that it is a concept that some people may be somewhat uncomfortable with. Many people never lose complete awareness while they are in trance, while some do. Speaking of trance, we all go into trance on our own on a likely frequent basis. When we are day-dreaming we are in a trance. If we're really focused on a book we're in a trance. Trance is really nothing more than extremely focused attention. Often in entertainment it was demonstrated by having the individual watch a clock swinging back and forth. While most folks don't do it that way anymore, it certainly is one way to get there. It works by having the person focus so intently on the swinging clock that they go into a trance. I don't do it this way, but it is real.

When we are in a trance we can access our subconscious, which is the point of hypnotherapy. We can get to the parts of our minds that control us without us even realizing it, and make changes in beliefs that have been keeping us stuck. As I mentioned previously, it is very safe, and I believe it will greatly enhance my work. I am a member of the American Society of Clinical Hypnotherapy, which is where I've gotten my training. If you have questions about this opportunity feel free to reach out. Perhaps it could be helpful to you in some way.

Concerns around social media

It is a fairly safe bet that most folks nowadays use social media. I have a Facebook account (clearly, since many of you are probably reading this on it). There are a number of others; Facebook is the one I am most familiar with. Social media comes up frequently enough in sessions that I have seen, over and over again, some of the negative impacts it can have on our lives. Here are a few of the most common.

It perpetuates drama.

I doubt anyone is shocked by this one. Drama in all its glory can and does happen there, and in some ways, it is worse than things that happen in person. Because we feel protected by our computer screen, we may type things online that we wouldn’t actually say to a person. We may see things that wasn’t intended for us. Actual dialogue rarely happens, and it isn’t difficult to find ourselves the bottom of a dog-pile if we share an opinion that on this particular post is in the minority.

Quick, easy access to news that isn’t always accurate or current

I try really hard not to ever post or share news without double or triple-checking to make sure it is accurate and current. I know I’ve slipped up, and it can be really easy to click share before confirming something. At the very least, even if the news we see is accurate, it probably reflects the beliefs of its source; at the worst, it can be absolutely false. For a while I used Facebook as a news source, but I’ve given that up. I’m going to have to go elsewhere to check it anyway, so might as well start with a more trust-worthy source.

It creates and exacerbates depression and anxiety

Depending on the day and time, we may be flooded with negative images, bad news, and scary prospects. The folks I work with say on a regular basis that they feel worse after looking social media. It doesn’t take a Ph.D. in psychology to realize social media may be significantly impacting us in some pretty negative ways.

These days I don’t pay much attention to the news on Facebook, at least that of the political variety. If you post pictures of your furry critters, I guarantee at least a like. I post plenty of my own. I pay much more attention to the “lighter” posts, or the posts made by individuals I actually know that has actual content in it. I also limit myself to how much time I spend on it. I urge you to consider how and how much you use social media, and the potential negative effects it may be having on you. Connection with others online is fine, but connection with another individual (or furry critter!!!) in the same space in time with you is better. Way better. So quit chatting (or arguing) on social media and talk to the real person who is sitting across the table from you. Seriously, if you are in a restaurant with someone stay off your phone. Close up the cyberworld and live in the real world. It matters.

Meet my Therapy Animals

I work from home, and I have four cats and a dog. This means that various animals are typically present during sessions. Before the introductions, let me clarify one thing. Recently we have been hearing about service animals, therapy animals, and emotional support pets. I use the term "therapy animal" to describe my critters, because they do participate in therapy sessions. It is also true that they are providing emotional support, but none have been trained or specially designated as emotional support pets or service pets. They simply hang out during sessions and often interact with the clients. Because I am doing this in my home, there isn't any specific training or certification required. That having been said, let's meet the critters!

Nimbus was the original therapy cat. Starting the very first session I did at the house, he was there and providing support. He seems to have instincts around it that make him the perfect therapy cat. He generally positions himself close to the client so they can interact with him if they want, but if they don't he just naps. Often if a client becomes emotional he will move closer to them and reach out his paw to touch them, letting them know he is there if they want him. He is 10 years old now, and has been doing this work for the last three years.

Dobby was the second therapy cat. We got him as a kitten in April 2017, and he took to it immediately. He doesn't seem to have quite the instinct that Nimbus has, but is still quite good at interacting with clients in positive ways. He is now two years old and has been a therapy cat his whole life.

Darth Cola was the third therapy cat to join the group, but he didn't do so immediately. I worked from home for at least a year before he started hanging out in sessions and interacting with clients. Even now he often sits on his chair a little separate from the client, but he sometimes will move so he can give a little love. Cola is six years old now and has been working about a year and a half.

StormTrooper is the surprise addition to the therapy cat group. He has always been a pretty skittish guy, and up until this past April wouldn't spend any time in the room if a session was in progress. Then quite suddenly and without any explanation he started spending time in the therapy room, and will sometimes interact with clients (more often with me I guess). I don't know what happened that he suddenly decided to be a part of it, but I am glad that he did. He is currently eight years old.

Hiestand's Sir Gandalf the Wise and Fluffy is the newest member of the therapy animal corp. He got him this past April and he has been in every single session since. His goal in life is to be a companion animal so he is perfect for the part. Currently he still does spend more time with me than with the clients (maybe I need some therapy pet love too), but he seems to be spending more and more life with the clients as he becomes more adjusted to the whole process. He is a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and is seven months old.

In Memoriam: Norah was the original therapy dog, and worked hard from summer 2016 to August 2018. She was a wonderfully friendly companion and very good therapy dog, and will forever be missed.

The Super Bowl of Mental Health

So I'm sitting here on the couch watching a sporting event. I think it's an important one. Two football teams competing to see who is the best in the world (although isn't professional football only in the United States???). As a psychologist who couldn't care less about sports, I find myself thinking about an interesting "competition" of sorts that I sometimes see in sessions, but it may not be exactgly what you might think.

On a pretty regular basis clients will be hesitant to share things that are bothering them because "it's really no big deal" or "other people have it so much worse." I don't say this too often, but just stop it. Mental health isn't a competition where only those with the worst issues get to participate. If you are struggling with something, don't dilute your problems because someone else has it worse. You know what? Someone always has it worse. Your struggles are real, and you owe it to yourself to address them.

There is no Super Bowl in therapy. In the course of a day I see folks struggling with really severe stuff, as well as folks whose stuff isn't quite as severe. You know what? Everyone gets the same attention from me, regardless of the severity of your stuff. If you feel like your stuff isn't as bad as some other folks, be thankful, and then do what you need to do to get a handle on it. We can all win when it comes to mental health.

Be kind to yourself and others this holiday season

The holidays are upon us again, bringing fun, family, stress, and sometimes the desire to crawl into bed until it is all over. Holidays can feel heavy with expectations: expectations to participate, to spend gobs of money, and to smile all the while. Unfortunately, sometimes this is just too much to ask.

This holiday season be mindful to only do what you can and what feels right. If family time feels negative, it's okay not to go. I would have thought we would have arrived at a time when families would no longer reject their LGBTQ+ members, but I would be wrong. If your family doesn't accept you or your partners(s), then they don't get the pleasure of your company. Please hold no guilt for this. Spend time with folks who make you feel good, and maintain boundaries with those who do not.

Spend what you can afford, and don't feel guilty if you think you should spend more. You shouldn't. For many people debt is already a concern; don't make it worse this holiday. Give what you can, and what you can't do with money do with love and time spent. Those are far more valuable than cash, and will last so much longer.

Do allow yourself to enjoy the things that come with the holidays. Over Thanksgiving I ate way more than I should have, but you know what? It didn't matter. Yeah, if I ate that way on a regular basis it wouldn't be good, but I adore holiday cooking and it only happens a couple times a year so I am going to take advantage of it. You do the same.

Be mindful of friends who may be going through extra hardships during this time. Death, job loss, sickness, all seem so much worse during the holidays. If those you know are struggling with these things, give them some extra love.

Do surround yourself with those you love. Family (blood or chosen), friends, and of course all of the critters who make our lives more wonderful. I think Christmas is about love more than anything (not food, not presents, not money). Love fully this holiday season, and please, include yourself in that love.

If you are struggling with hardships, please reach out to family, friends, or even a therapist. Please don't try to go it alone.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, AND MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU

Regarding the gender memo, we are the Rebel Alliance!!!

We recently learned of a memo in the federal government intended to redefine gender as the sex (genitalia) present at birth. We don't know exactly what they intend to do with this, but it is certainly intended to harm transgender individuals, and perhaps others as well. Once we know what they intend to do we will develop our attack. In this battle, we are the Rebel Alliance.

Throughout the Star Wars saga, the Rebel Alliance consistently faced what appeared as obscene odds against the Empire. Right now that is exactly how this feels. However, the Alliance was able to tap into hope at each turn, and defeated the Empire (the Emperor) each time to continue to rebuild. They were sometimes a rag-tag team of very unlikely heroes, but they held on to hope and overcame the evil in the galaxy.

This memo is nothing short than evil. It is being put forth by the Empire, and we as the Rebel Alliance are being called forward to fight against and defeat it. Please know that whatever they try to do with it, we will fight, and ultimately overcome. We may take some steps backwards in the process; progress is rarely consistently forward. We are stronger and more connected than we have ever been; we are a force to be reckoned with. We will pull out our blasters and lightsabers, invite the wookies, droids, and porgs to join us, and we will not be erased by this memo. We are the Gender (Rebel) Alliance, and we will survive and prosper. May the Force Be With Us.

It's been a while since I've posted. Short answer, I'm busy. We just passed National Coming Out Day again, so I wanted to touch base about that. I've been out for about 25 years. I also "look" suitably gay, so I never really come out anymore. While it has gotten easier to come out since I first took the plunge, there are still folks who, for various reasons, continue to hide their sexuality or gender identity. This is perfectly understandable. It is still scary. There is still hatred. People still get fired, kicked out of housing, or disowned by their families. But please also know that there is also a great deal of support out there. If you are struggling with sexuality or gender identity, therapy can be really helpful to work towards coming out. Being authentic to yourself is a beautiful thing. If you need some therapeutic support around coming out, or any other issues around gender or sexuality (or most anything really) please feel free to contact me to set up an appointment.

901-486-5745

kthiestand@yahoo.com

Thoughts on mental illness and mass shooters

I cringe a little bit each time I see something about how mental illness is the most important fact involved in mass shootings. I've never met the individuals who did it, so I certainly can't comment on their mental health. It is true that mental illness is not addressed in this country as it should be. Stigma makes it extremely hard for some folks to even consider services, and finances are a significant barrier to many. Insurance provides some coverage for some people, but reimbursement to providers (how much money they pay me) is dismal. I don't know what the solution is, but mental health services need to be severely revamped in this country. But back to what I was trying to say...

Some or most/all of the shooters might have had mental illness. It could be part of what led them to do the atrocious acts they did. However, mental illness IS NOT why they did it. Each and every one of them made a conscious decision to carry guns into a school or other locale and open fire, presumably killing as many as they could.  I don't know why they did it, but they each made the decision to do it. Blaming mental illness in effect takes the responsibility away from them and places it on something that millions of people have who don't shoot up schools. It sounds to me like an easy attempt at an excuse.

I don't know what the solution is to reduce/eliminate mass shootings in this country. I also don't know how to create the mental health reform we need. I do know that the blame for their actions rests solidly on them (maybe shared by their parents, I don't know). I want to mention that I am purposefully avoiding to go into gun reform; I don't think this in the place for it. Mental illness does create significant struggles for millions of people. It does not shoot up schools.

Why losing my job was, ultimately, totally awesome

I graduated with my Ph.D. in psychology in 2010. When people would ask what I wanted to do, I had always said I wanted to work with LGBT folks. However, I was able to get a job with an agency working with adults with intellectual/developmental disabilities, so of course I took the job. I needed a year of supervision and a paycheck and the job provided both, so I went with it.

I stayed at that agency for about a year and a half, then went to a different, but similar, agency when I was opposed to some things I was expected to do (share session notes, when by my ethical mandate they must be confidential). So I started at the second agency in March 2011, and thought everything was good. I liked the clients, and my supervisor was awesome (a psychologist who had become my mentor) so that's what I did. I didn't love the job, but I didn't hate it, and it did meet my/our basic needs, so all was good, right?

In 2015 I had a conversation with folks at the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (now OutMemphis) and learned that they got calls on a daily basis from LGBT folks struggling to find a therapist. It was at that point that Hiestand Psychological Services was born, and I started seeing clients there on Sundays. I was now working six full days a week, but my work there was so fulfilling that I was good with it.

If I had been honest with myself at that time, I would have recognized that I was not being fulfilled by my regular job. While I did like my clients, many didn't really want to be in therapy so most sessions were a struggle just to get the client involved. There weren't any huge ethical issues like I had faced at the previous agency, but I was aware of some things that I wasn't terribly happy with. Still, it was a paycheck, and I needed a paycheck, so I just ignored the bigger picture.

Towards the end of 2015 my supervisor/mentor left the agency (and the state). At that time things started to unravel. At first I still tried to ignore it, because I needed that paycheck (right?!) and didn't think my private practice would support my family. It was immensely more fulfilling, and certainly supported me emotionally in a way that my regular job didn't, but dang it I needed that paycheck. However, in late August 2016 I lost that job and suddenly had to find another paycheck.

At first I assumed that I needed another job to be financially stable. I started sending in applications to any job openings I could find for psychologists in the area, but I also started growing my private practice to bring in some money while I found another job. I won't go into that whole experience; suffice it to say I didn't find another job. What I did find was that my private practice could support my family, and it was infinitely more satisfying than any of my previous "real jobs."

Fast forward to today. As my wife says, I have a thriving practice. I currently work six and a half days a week, harder than I've ever worked in a job before, but I love it. I do need to carve out a little less time working, but what I do is so fulfilling (most of it anyway, dealing with insurance is still a headache). I'm now doing what I always wanted to do , and more. Many of my clients full under the LGBT rainbow. I work with individuals, couples, and families who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, pansexual, transgender, gender non-conforming (non-binary, agender, bigender). I work with people who are confident in their identities, and I work with folks who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity. I work with monogamous folks and polyamorous folks. I work with asexuals, folks in the kink community (BDSM, Furries, Bronies). I work with cross-dressers. I work with all of the people who have struggled to find an open-minded therapist. I still address all of the typical mental health diagnoses (depression, anxiety, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, schizophrenia). I work in my home with therapy animals. While I am often tired in the evenings when I finally decide I've worked enough for the day, I go to bed every night satisfied with the work I do.

Losing my job was a really stressful thing for me. However, I never would have gone out on my own, so it pushed me to do just that. So many of the folks I work with aren't happy in their work life (and we definitely address this) but I am so thankful that I am doing what I always wanted to do. My wife is so supportive of me and my work. My parents have supported me (even when I wasn't confident that I could do this). My in-laws have been behind me, and friends and colleagues have always been willing to give advice and told me "you got this." And you know what, I do got this. Hiestand Psychological Services has gone from a dream to a reality, and I could not be happier with how it transformed to be not only my paycheck, but my career. I know over time it will evolve (eventually I want to have a few more therapists, as well as folks who offer other services). Today it is exactly what I need it to be, and I'm pretty my clients would agree.

What is family?

Merriam-Webster defines "family" as:

1a: the basic unit in society traditionally consisting of two parents rearing their children; also : any of various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family

 

b : spouse and children

 

2 : a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head

 

These aren't actually bad definitions. People often think of family as being limited to parents and their children, and maybe their extended family, but the definition points out that family can be any of the various social units differing from but regarded as equivalent to the traditional family. But what are these various social units?

 

 

First off, children are not a requirement for a family to exist. Many adults have a partner or partners but no children - still a family. Maybe they intend to have children at some point, maybe not. Adults can make up a family.

 

Historically in this country it was assumed that in a family there would be only two adults (discounting extended family of course) and that those two adults would be one man and one woman. Fortunately most people now accept that two women or two men (or two folks however they define their gender) can make a family. LGB individuals now are perceived, most of the time anyway, as being able to create and live as a family - again, with or without children.

 

Recently I have been contacted by a number of individuals wanting counseling who are involved in polyamorous relationships. This means that there are more than two adults in the relationship. There are all sorts of possible configurations here. Maybe it is three adults (or more) who are all romantically involved with each other. Maybe not everyone is romantically involved with everyone else (for instance, a couple who each have other romantic partners but those partners are not involved with each other). I know this sounds complicated, but a family unit does not require everyone to be romantically or sexually involved with everyone else. Romance and sex are certainly very common components of a family, but they aren't required.

 

Pets can be part of a family. So many of the folks I work with, and myself of course, consider their pets to be active members of their family. And you all know I love talking about pets - my family includes a dog and four cats - equal in my mind to children (but so much less expensive!!!!!).

 

Sometimes family may be chosen people who aren't romantically or sexually involved but provide unconditional love and emotional support. Think about the various communities people are involved in. Sometimes those communities become comparable to family units, providing many of the same benefits as the "traditional family."

 

Family is not a legal designation. Certainly there are often legal relationships in a family, but again, that isn't required. Some folks choose to not get married for personal reasons. Sometimes folks in a family can get married (such as folks in polyamorous relationships). Legality does not make a family.

 

I encourage everyone to think outside the traditional two heterosexual - 1 man, 1 woman - and their children concept of family. However, you define your own family, know that it should be validated and recognized as a legitimate family unit. Realize that families may have super diverse configurations, but that doesn't negate them being a family. Love your family, and allow everyone else to do likewise. Create the family that you want, and support everyone else's right to do so. It just makes good sense.

Hope is the Cure

Fear keeps us stuck in situations in which we are unhappy; fear that things can even change, or fear of what that change might look like. Perhaps we are struggling with depression or anxiety, and we don't believe that things can get better. Maybe we are unhappy in our relationship, but we don't address it for fear of what may happen. Many people feel stuck in jobs in which they are unhappy, but fear of loss of income prevents us from looking for a better way. Many of the people I work with struggle with gender identity issues but are, understandably, fearful of what making changes will bring.

In all of these situations, we lack the hope that things can get better. Change is hard. We are afraid of what that change will look like. What if things do change but nothing gets better? We may not be aware of it, but fear clouds hope for so many people. Let me give an example from my own life in which fear kept me stuck without hope that things can get better.

Before I was doing my private practice full time I had a job, but was very unhappy. I was working for an agency as a psychologist, but my work wasn't fulfilling and there were a number of issues that I felt powerless to change. I knew that I wanted to have a private practice, but I didn't know how to make that happen. I had significant financial responsibilities, and didn't think I had the financial resources to consider making changes. I had bills to pay, and making sure I was able to do that kept me stuck in unhappiness.

Then I unexpectedly lost my job. I immediately started looking for another job, because I thought that was my only good option. I was fearful of financial consequences and didn't have the hope that I could make private practice work. I did start building my private practice (at the time it was already established but was very small) in order to have some income, but my focus was on finding another job based on my belief that was the only way I would have financial security.

I never did find another job in the way I thought I needed. During the time I was looking, my private practice was building, and shockingly I was able to pay all of my bills. Yes, my finances were very tight, but everything got paid.

There wasn't a single moment when I realized that private practice was all I needed. No ah-ha moment, no instant where suddenly I knew it would work. However, over time my fear of financial insecurity was replaced by the hope that I could really do this. I was working from home so that I wouldn't have all of the financial obligations associated with maintaining an office elsewhere. Even when I started to realize that the private practice was really working, I still thought working from home was a temporary thing until I could afford a "real" office. It's now a year and a half later, and I'm still working from my home office. I am as financially secure as I was when I was working for someone else. I'm also amazingly more happy than I was when I had a boss and a paycheck every two weeks.

I didn't have the confidence that I could do it on my own. This fear of failure kept me stuck. In my case it wasn't by choice that I depended on my private practice, it was by necessity when I suddenly found myself without a "real" job. I can now say that losing my job was the best thing that could have happened. I wouldn't have attempted to go out on my own - fear made me believe I couldn't do it. But somewhere in there hope took root and Hiestand Psychological Services is all I need. Having a home office is fairly unusual, but I realized it really works. So many of my clients comment that they love the home setting an opposed to a commercial office. And having my pets around also significantly adds to the work I do in ways I couldn't have even imagined.

What are you afraid of? Where in your life is hope clouded by fear? Know that change can happen, even if we aren't sure what that change will look like. I wouldn't have a job if people or situations couldn't change. When we find that hope, even if it is just a spark, we can go on to make significant changes in our lives for the better. Fear is a disease; hope is its only cure.

Hope destroyed the Death Star

At the end of Rogue One, Princess Leia Organa is handed a data disk and asked what it is. She utters one word: hope. This leads directly into Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Later in that movie she implores Old Ben Kenobi to help them by pleading that he is their only hope. Clearly hope is an important concept in Star Wars (I can, and in fact plan to, document the use of hope throughout the saga). What is it about hope that nine plus movies can be made based on it?

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness – Desmond Tutu. When working with clients, I believe the most important thing I do is help them embrace hope. When someone starts therapy, it is with the hope that things can change. When someone commits suicide, it is almost always because they have lost all hope. We all have challenges to overcome, and as long as we have the hope that we can overcome them, we can move forward creating the change that we want and need.

Folks come to me to address all sorts of issues. Many come with the hope that they can live their lives authentically in terms of gender or sexuality. Others hope to conquer depression or anxiety. Some struggle with addiction and hope to overcome it. Still others hope to make improvements in their relationships. Hope to move through trauma or abuse form their pasts brings others in. The one thing they all have in common is hope for change.

When things are hard, find hope that they can change. They don’t always change in the ways we want them to, but change will happen. We may have to address additional obstacles to embrace that change, but hope lets lends us the strength we need to keep fighting. Even a glimmer of hope is enough to put us on the path to healing; find hope and you will see the light despite all of the darkness. Then you too will blow up the Death Stars in your own life.

Asexual Awareness Week - Celebrate with us!

 Ace With a Place! 

Celebrate Asexual Awareness Week With Us!

Meet & Greet – Wednesday October 25, 6-9 pm

We will be meeting at OutMemphis for board games, snacks, and chats. Feel free to bring your own game and/or snacks; we will have some already if you just want to bring yourself!

Flag Raising Ceremony – Saturday October 28, 1 pm

Join us at OutMemphis as we raise the Asexual flag on the lawn, and add the flag to the other pride flags over the entrance.

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation just like homosexuality, bisexuality, and heterosexuality. People who identify as asexual typically experience a lack of sexual attraction or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It isn’t a choice like being celibate; asexuality is usually a stable identity. Asexuals may desire intimate romantic relationships that may include lots of forms of physical touch like hugging, kissing, holding hands, and cuddling. Their romantic relationships may be homosexual, bisexual, or heterosexual, and they may be monogamous or polyamorous.

Why this group?

People who identify as asexual face significant societal stigma that frequently prevents them from being able to be out about their identity or to explore the possibility of being asexual. While there are groups online where asexuals can connect for support and camaraderie, there is a significant barrier to meeting other asexuals face-to-face. We want to change that by creating a group at OutMemphis that will give asexual-identifying individuals a place to go and be with other folks who understand them. We intend it to be primarily a social group, but we also want people to have a place where they can find support either dealing with or exploring the possibility of being asexual.

Use #AceMemphis to share your Ace pride and connect with others in the Mid-South area

Happy Coming Out Day! Or is it?

Recently we had National Coming Out Day, which is held annually on October 11. For folks just coming out it can serve as momentum for doing perhaps the most exciting (and scary) thing in their life. For those of us who have been out for a while, it's a day when we can reaffirm our sexuality and maybe joke about how, dang it, I don't get to come out anymore because everyone already knows.

However, for those who aren't out for fear of losing their family, friends, jobs, housing, children, lives, it can be a day that serves as a reminder that they have to continue to live a lie, one which ultimately is deleterious to their health.

If you are an LGBTQA (sexual/gender minority) child or adolescent who is stuck in the closet, please know that it will get better. There will come a time when you will be in a position to come out, even if your family will not support it. If you are an adult who feels stuck, please find ways to come out, even if it isn't in every aspect of your life. Sometimes we have to choose our families when our family of origin doesn't support us. While this is horribly unfortunate, if your family doesn't value you for who you are, please know that there are many folks who will be happy to be your chosen family, and give you the support you need to be your true self. Please don't hide your true colors, we need you in this crazy, sometimes confusing and scary, but ultimately fulfilling world of sexual and gender minorities. Please reach out to me if you want some therapeutic support in being your authentic self.

Trans Kids: Is that really a thing?

Currently we see posts online about transgender kids and adolescents - some of them are positive while others are brutally negative. The bottom line of the negative posts is typically something about kids not being able to know their gender and the dangers of allowing kids to take steps to express their gender in a way that feels right. Is it appropriate to let kids live as they experience their gender?

At this time I am working with a lot of transgender adolescents as well as some transgender kids. Not only is it appropriate to let them express their gender as it feels right to them, it is imperative that we allow them to express themselves, and not try to dictate how we think they should live.

There are two broad aspects of transitioning: social and medical. Social transitioning entails things like how we dress and cur our hair, what pronouns we want people to use to refer to us, what name we want to be called by, how we interact with the world. Medical transitioning includes hormone blockers, hormone therapy, and surgeries.

When we are talking about transgender kids and adolescents, we are talking primarily about social transitioning. There is nothing damaging about letting a child with a penis wear dresses and be referred to as she. Most of the transgender adults I work with have known from a very young age that they are trans, just as cisgender adults have basically always known they are cis. Our experience of gender is something we are aware of from a very young age, and no one except ourselves can know how we really feel. It is true that occasionally a kid expresses themselves as trans for a while, and then decides that isn't right for them. They go back to expressing themselves as their birth sex/gender, and no harm is done. For the vast majority of trans kids and adolescents however, they do not make such a decision and continue to live as a trans individual.

As far as medical transitioning for kids and adolescents, we are talking primarily about hormone blockers and occasionally about hormones (for the older ones) but never about surgery. Hormone blockers basically shut down puberty, but are completely reversible. If a child thinks they are transgender, it is appropriate to use blockers to stop the changes that happen with puberty. For biological males this prevents their voice from dropping or facial and body hair from growing, both of which are hugely problematic for transgender female adults, who then have to deal with erasing these things in order for them to pass. For biological females, blockers prevent breast development, which then eliminates a surgery later in life. If it is determined that the child no longer wants to continue with any sort of transitioning, the blockers are stopped and puberty picks right back up. No Harm Done.

For older transgender adolescents, hormones are sometimes started. This is never done without a huge amount of exploration, work with a therapist and oversight by a pediatric endocrinologist. This too is the right decision for adolescents who have lived as their experienced gender enough to know that it is the right step for them to take. Great care is taken before starting them because they do cause permanent changes, particularly for trans male (voice dropping and hair growth).

Yes, trans kids is really a thing, just a trans adults are a thing. We have the ability to take steps, both medically and socially to help kids who are transgender navigate their world in a comfortable and healthy way. These kids are some of the bravest people I know.